Feb

28

When a Commenter Talks About Suicide?

2012 at 5am     Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky

If you asked me last week how I would answer this question, I’d have told you that I had never thought about it. This is a book blog, after all, and though things do get contentious or controversial every now and then, in the past it’s always been because someone took issue with a book, or with my interpretation of a book, or with the fact that I curse and am occasionally unladylike. Sometimes, it’s all three at once.

As I wrote last week, the response to my feature of Deborah Feldman’s memoir Unorthodox and my subsequent interview with her has been unexpected to say the least. When I checked in last Tuesday morning to see if any of the commenters had gone at each other’s throats yet, I discovered that a woman named Sara, who seems to be in a community similar to the one Feldman grew up in, had left this message:

I am stuck and cannot get out of this horrible life and have thought of suicide many times. Even now I am looking over my shoulder to make sure I am alone so I may post about the horrors which have gone on in my community for ages with no change in sight.
I wish I were dead.

And I felt my stomach rise into my throat. Vitriol, I can deal with. But this? A message from a person who is clearly scared and likely had to sneak around just to be able to leave it? I read this as a cry for help, and I was petrified. Literally frozen with fear and uncertainty. What follows is a recap of how I handled this comment and why. I’m sharing it here not because I think what I did was the right solution or the only solution but because I know I’m not the first blogger to encounter this issue, and I certainly won’t be the last, and it’s important for us as a community to talk about how we respond when we find ourselves in difficult and unexpected situations. 

I must admit that when I read the comment, my first thought was, “This is NOT what I signed up for. I don’t want to be involved.” I sat with that for a few minutes and realized that, like or not, I already WAS involved. By posting this comment on my blog, Sara made me involved. I didn’t have a choice about that, but I did have a choice about how to respond. So I posted a comment in response and included the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK). I told Sara that Feldman’s book is proof that you can get out (whether you agree with what Feldman has written or not, that much is undeniable), and that her life is worth saving. It felt like the least I could do.

And then it didn’t feel like enough. I didn’t know if Sara would ever be back to see my response. I didn’t know if she had subscribed to the thread, or if she even could–I suspected that the email address she gave when she left her comment was fake, and I can understand why she might have done that. What I did know was that she made the effort to locate blogs writing about Feldman’s book and found the courage to give voice to these frightening thoughts, and people don’t go to that kind of trouble–and put themselves at risk–for no reason. I again felt frozen. I wanted to do something more. So I sent Sara an email at the address she listed, on the off chance that it was real, reiterating my comments, expressing that I take statements like this very seriously, and encouraging her to call the suicide prevention line or the police if she was in danger of harming herself. (Turns out my psychology training is good for something after all!)

That same psychology training instilled in me a sense that if I believe someone is in danger, I have an ethical obligation–not to mention a human obligation–to do something. But I didn’t really know what in this case. So I did what I usually do when I’m stuck: I asked Twitter. Several resourceful folks suggested that I track her IP address and contact her local police department to have them check on her. I was torn about this idea, and I did consider that the consequences of having the police show up could make the situation worse, but I eventually concluded that I was more willing to take that chance than to risk the results of doing nothing. I’ve come very close to having to live with the consequences of missing the warning signs that a person is close to suicide once in my personal life, and since then, I’ve operated with a “better safe than sorry” philosophy.

So I looked up the IP address and contacted the police department in that city via their non-emergency line, explaining the situation and my concern to the officer I spoke with. He informed me that in order to perform a “wellness check,” they must have either the person’s full name or an address or phone number. (And here I was, thinking we live in the future, and that someone with the right skills can find all of that from an IP address, assuming it’s not scrambled…) That effort turned out to be a no-go, but it was all I could do–I attempted multiple points of contact and took the actions I thought were right. I know there are many sides to this and that not everyone will agree with my response.

Sara came back and commented the next day, saying, “I will try to deal with this as I have had to all my life.” I don’t know what that means, but I do know that it’s been a week now, and I don’t think I would have done anything differently. The emails I sent Sara were bounced back, and I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from her again. I probably won’t know how her story ends. I hope she’ll realize that she has options and that she deserves to be safe and happy. I hope she’ll reach out to someone who can help her in a more concrete way. I hope she’ll know that it can get better.

And if you are thinking of suicide–or if you believe that someone you know may be–I hope you know that there are people who care. There is hope. And it starts with you calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK).

[I've left comments open so we can continue this conversation. I am curious about how other bloggers have handled or would handle this issue. Because of the sensitive nature of this content, rude, malicious, and derogatory comments will be deleted.]

 

No related posts.

Filed Under Blogging
25 Comments
 

Comments

25 Responses to “When a Commenter Talks About Suicide?”

  1. Yvann on February 28th, 2012 5:04 am

    Thanks so much for writing about this – I would have had no idea at all what to do if this happened on my blog, and now at least I have an idea of what I could do in this situation.
    Yvann´s last [type] ..Musing Mondays – Series

  2. Nadine Nys on February 28th, 2012 5:46 am

    I totally agree with Yvann, I would have no idea what to do, except for answering the comment. I really hope nothing like this will ever happen on my blog, but I think you did a great job, though it must be frustrating that you can’t do more.

  3. Sandy on February 28th, 2012 7:08 am

    I would have been completely terrified had I gotten a comment like that. I think you handled the situation perfectly, and did everything you could have done. I have seen one person leave a comment that they would kill themselves if they didn’t get some followers. It seemed manipulative and dramatic, and the person later came back and apologized. It is hard because you don’t know if the person is yanking your chain or not, but either way it is a cry for attention. Thanks for sharing this experience with us.
    Sandy´s last [type] ..To Be Sung Underwater – Tom McNeal (Audio)

  4. Amy Sue Nathan on February 28th, 2012 7:37 am

    You followed your gut and your heart. I have found that when we’re challenged, they rarely lead us astray. What you did showed Sara that someone was paying attention. It may have been the tsp she needed to reconsider.

  5. Ellen on February 28th, 2012 7:44 am

    I can’t imagine what I’d do if something like that came up on my blog – like you say, it’s not something we expect, accustomed though we may be to minor squabbles in the comments section. Like the others who’ve commented here, I think that you reacted correctly; you tried contacting her, you offered the contact information for an org that could provide more guidance, and you made a good faith effort to check on her.
    Ellen´s last [type] ..My 11 Days with Emily Giffin

  6. Heather on February 28th, 2012 7:48 am

    I would have done exactly what you have done. I’m glad you wrote this post bringing attention to the situation so others have an idea of what they can do if placed in the same situation. My heart goes out to Sara.
    Heather´s last [type] ..Book Review: Forgotten Country by Catherine Chung

  7. Jenn's Bookshelves on February 28th, 2012 8:18 am

    I got the chills as I read this post. I think you responded as well as you could of, providing her with the resources you had at hand! Going so far as trying to contact the local police is above and beyond what is expected of any person. Kudos to you for trying to help this poor woman.
    Jenn’s Bookshelves´s last [type] ..Review: The Next One To Fall by Hilary Davidson

  8. Jackie (Farm Lane Books) on February 28th, 2012 8:38 am

    I had a similar dilemma when I spotted suicidal comments from someone I follow on Twitter. I didn’t want to get involved (I previously had had no conversation with this person) but I would have felt terrible if something had happened to that person and I hadn’t acted on it. About 4 fellow tweeters and I started a conversation with this person and then someone who actually knew who they were and where they lived phoned the police. The person wasn’t happy that the police turned up on their door, but I was pleased that they were able to reach out over the internet and not suffer in silence. I think you did the right thing. Better to be over cautious, than read a horrible headline the next day.
    Jackie (Farm Lane Books)´s last [type] ..Nothing to Envy by Barbara Demick

  9. Rebecca Joines Schinsky on February 28th, 2012 8:50 am

    A comment on Twitter would have a whole other layer of complexity. In this case, there was no denying that the conversation was happening right in my own backyard, so to speak. I don’t know how I’d handle seeing a remark from someone I’d never had conversation with on Twitter, but I’m inclined to think it would be similar to what you all did. I love the internet for expanding our communities and allowing us to reach out in new ways, but there are some frightening consequences to being ‘connected’ to people we’ve never met. Thanks for sharing, Jackie.

  10. Suzanne on February 28th, 2012 9:05 am

    Bravo. I have to admit I don’t always like the tone of your blog but I think this is one of the most important posts I have ever seen.
    I hope I am never put in the same situation, but I will use this post as guidance should the need arise.
    Thank you.
    Suzanne´s last [type] ..A Blogger Recommended…. A Good American

  11. George Burke on February 28th, 2012 9:13 am

    What a horrible, gut-wrenching position to be put in, Rebecca, but you did the right thing.

  12. Rebecca Joines Schinsky on February 28th, 2012 9:56 am

    Thanks, Suzanne. I hope so, too.

  13. Wendy on February 28th, 2012 10:36 am

    I applaud your action on this, Rebecca. Someone very close to me posted a “good bye” sort of message on a thread and a young woman who read the post took action (she knew a little more than you did) which included contacting the local police…a life saving move as it turned out. So these kinds of cries for help may be serious and I think we do have a moral obligation to do what we can we we get them.
    Wendy´s last [type] ..Sunday Salon – February 26, 2012

  14. Emma on February 28th, 2012 10:38 am

    Wow. I’ve never had this issue, though I get lots of comments (and emails) on “Divorced Before 30″ from women who aren’t quite sure how to leave a dysfunctional marriage. Good for you for getting involved and trying to make a difference.

    I am stunned by the massive campaign against Deborah and her book. I interviewed her on my blog, too, and I couldn’t believe the comments!
    Emma´s last [type] ..A Chat with Unorthodox Author Deborah Feldman

  15. Emily on February 28th, 2012 10:56 am

    I admire you for wrestling with this so publicly. When I read about Sara last week, I wasn’t sure what I’d do in your shoes and your response struck me as being thorough, conscientious, and honest. Even more, it highlighted an assumption that I hadn’t realized I’d formed: I take so much of what I read on the internet–given the anonymity of it–with an enormous grain of salt and I saw, via your dilemma, how I am actually capable of losing sight of the actual person behind the comments in a way that I would not in real life. I hope I don’t sound heartless or cruel. What I’m trying to say is that there can be hyperbole or conscious dramatization and my tendency–which I’m trying to redirect–is to read comments as such. You saw right through to the person and I thank you for your insight.

  16. CGLnyc on February 28th, 2012 10:58 am

    Thanks for writing about this! You’re just a wonderful person who did everything you could think of to help a stranger.

  17. Rebecca Joines Schinsky on February 28th, 2012 11:05 am

    Emily, I have that same tendency. I paused for a moment and thought it might be a pull for attention, and if it had been any other comment, I might have ignored it. Something about this, and about the situations the Feldman addresses, indicated that more was necessary. But I totally sympathize with what you’re saying.

  18. Literate Housewife on February 28th, 2012 11:10 am

    Thank you for posting this, Rebecca. I saw one of your tweets that day and the only thing I could come up with was contacting the author because she was so familiar with that culture. But really, what could she have done that you hadn’t already tried?

    I had an uncle who committed suicide a week to the day after I turned 21. There is so much anger and guilt that go along with surviving something like that. He had checked himself into a mental hospital a few weeks prior to his death. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I’d called him or had taken the time to visit him. Being almost 20 years removed from that time and due to the nature of his problems, I know that even if I had called or visited in the week between his hospitalization and his suicide that I couldn’t have changed what happened. Still, I could have rested a whole lot easier once the emotions started to ease.

    Thank you for what you did. It’s heartening when another human being steps up even when she or he didn’t sign up for something difficult. It’s also a good reminder that having a public blog opens us up to similar situations.

    I wish Sara all the help and strength she needs.
    Literate Housewife´s last [type] ..#404 ~ Goldfinger

  19. Donna Johnson on February 28th, 2012 12:41 pm

    Rebecca–
    I am so touched by your response to Sara’s post. It’s so easy, too easy, to brush aside these types of remarks. Since publishing a memoir last Fall about growing up in an apocalyptic cult, I have received numerous emails from folks who grew up in similar situations and deal with serious depression as a result. At least two people have said they deal with thoughts of suicide regularly. I always answer and make an emotional connection. I try to encourage the writer to get help. After your post, I realize I need to do a better job of gathering actual resources to pass on these people, i.e. here’s where you can get help. I will do so from now on.

    Thank you so much.
    Donna M. johnson

  20. Ellie on February 28th, 2012 2:25 pm

    An address can be traced from an IP address but police would have to get a warrant and approach the service provider for the address, which is not always going to be the home address of the commenter. And sadly a comment may not be enough for a warrant or it may not be done in time.

    You have done more than many would have done and this shows how good a person you are. I hope Sara has taken something from your words.
    Ellie´s last [type] ..Campaign for Real Books: Apocalypse Edition

  21. Lindsey Sparks on February 28th, 2012 7:00 pm

    I think you did the right thing, and all that you could do. You did more than most people would do. I think a lot of people would be hesitant to get involved, just from what I’ve seen in other real life situations. I’m glad you posted about it – I’d never thought about that happening on a blog post and appreciate already knowing how to handle it if that ever came up.
    Lindsey Sparks´s last [type] ..The English Novel

  22. Elise Ronan (@RaisingASDKids) on February 29th, 2012 9:23 am

    You did a good thing by trying to get the commenter the help she needs. Unfortunately we cannot always do as much as we would like. You did giver her the information she needs and did try to contact the police in her area. it is not your fault that the system does not work well as we would like.

    Depression and suicide are very scarey issues. But in the end it is like anything else, you cannot help those that refuse to help themselves and especially if you have no idea who they are.

    I too have been faced with depressed persons on twitter and on my blog. All you can really do is provide them the information you gave. Sometimes we have to accept our own limitations too. And yes it is not easy to know that there is someone out there in tremendous pain and you truly cannot do that much to help them.
    Elise Ronan (@RaisingASDKids)´s last [type] ..O is for Obnoxious, Opinionated and Obdurate

  23. Meg on February 29th, 2012 2:33 pm

    I definitely feel you did the right thing, Rebecca, and probably more than the average person/blogger would in that situation. I’m not sure how I would have handled a comment like that, but I would like to think I would have reached out in the same way you did. All we can do is try to remind others we’re there for them and that they’re not alone — everything is about human connection. I’ll keep Sara in my thoughts.
    Meg´s last [type] ..Comment on Wordless Wednesday: Walking around Thomas Stone National Historic Site by Meg

  24. nicole on March 1st, 2012 8:30 pm

    I don’t want to sound all negative, and I do think that you did a very sincere and good thing in general, but I would be loathe to contact the police in a situation like this. I have read far too many horror stories about people in similar situations being taken into custody, “for their own good,” but…not very good at all. And in this specific situation, since it relates to her marital/home situation, I would worry that a police encounter could escalate the problems she’s facing from that side of the issue as well.

    I know police respond to issues like this a lot and many times it is 100% okay or even positive. But it would make me very nervous to get them involved in any situation that wasn’t already escalated into violence.
    nicole´s last [type] ..Five Books I Wish I Would Write

  25. JR on March 2nd, 2012 1:39 pm

    Rebecca, I think you handled this as well as possible. You examined all avenues and provided as much resource as your information would allow.

    I just ask myself what I would want someone to do for my daughter in a similar situation and I can’t think of another thing more or less to do.

    JR

Got something to say?





CommentLuv badge