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Feb
16
Interview: Deborah Feldman, UNORTHODOX
2012 at 5am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
I raved about Deborah Feldman’s Unorthodox last week and am thrilled to share this interview with you today. Unorthodox is out now from Simon and Schuster.
Deborah Feldman: Different Hasidic sects are named after the original towns that the first rabbi in the dynasty came from. Accordingly, the sects’ customs and traditions are rooted in the regional influences of those towns, and develop into more unique lifestyles through the generations. Some examples of other sects would be the Lubavitch, the Bobov, and the Belz. Satmar is primarily known for it’s anti-Zionist position, and for having the largest, more powerful Hasidic stronghold in the U.S.
RJS: Early in the book, you tell a story about hiding a nest of mice in your dresser drawer to prevent them from being killed by your family, who teach you that compassion for animals is misplaced–that it is more important to have compassion for the people you live with, who don’t want to be surrounded by mice. The story stands in as an illustration of the ways that important concepts got wired wrong in your upbringing–killing animals is compassion, women are at fault for men’s bad behavior, etc. Can you share a few more examples?
DF: I remember when I became enamored of Obama early in his campaign, I mentioned his name at a dinner table and people lambasted me for seeing a black person as a human being.
I wasn’t allowed to pet dogs or cats as a child, or be kind to the (non-Jewish) homeless. I don’t think those feelings were ever rooted out of me though.
RJS: Which lessons from your childhood have been the most difficult to unlearn or rewire as you’ve adapted to life in the secular world?
DF: I don’t think I ever knew an authentic relationship growing up. I never experienced a genuine connection with another person nor witnessed one between others. Relationships were these fake performances where everyone was very safe and played by the rules. Now it’s hard for me to trust that people really want to be my friend. I’m working on getting past that.
RJS: Where do you think your feminist impulse came from? You certainly didn’t learn it from anyone in your family.
DF: I think it was my mom. Even though I didn’t know her growing up, I knew she had left. I knew she had made some radical choices. Subconsciously, I think that really influenced my desire to seek out knowledge. Later, in Sarah Lawrence, I read feminist literature for the first time and realized that the texts articulated and validated thoughts I had been having for a long time. It was certainly an epiphany.
RJS: You write extensively about the rules that restrict women’s freedom in Satmar. Which ones do you find most troublesome? Did you ever sense that other women in your community felt oppressed?
DF: Restricting education bothered me the most. Why should my brain have to go to waste, I wondered – after all, God gave it to me for a reason. I longed to be accepted for my innate curiosity and creativity.
Honestly, most women around me seemed pretty content. I can’t be sure if that was just a performance though, because I felt like I was under a lot of pressure to pretend to be happy as well. I had a girlfriend when I was a teenager who would confide in me that she wanted more, but it was a dangerous conversation and we didn’t have it often.
RJS: What about the men? Of your grandfather, who survived the Holocaust, you write, “I can’t comprehend how a person who comes from so much pain and loss can perpetuate his own oppression.” What do you mean by that, and in what ways are men oppressed by Hasidic practice?
DF: My grandfather was very big on deprivation. I think he was following in the footsteps of the famed holy men who practiced self-flagellation etc. He never slept for more than an hour at a time. He ate crumbs even when the table was set for a lavish meal.
Not every man was like my grandfather, though. I think that most men would feel oppressed by the guilt that was constantly inflicted on them. From a very young age boys are admonished never to touch themselves (even when going to the bathroom so there is lots of spritzing on the toilet seat) or think lustful thoughts, so when the hormones kick in there is this crippling guilt and self-loathing. Also, being required to sit still and learn all day is very unnatural for young men; there is no athletic activity and no outlet for all that testosterone. That energy would come out in religious disputes and men could be violent over that because it was about God. So they could throw stones at women who broke the rules instead of playing soccer.
RJS: You are quite candid about your ignorance of sex and sexuality going into your [arranged] marriage and the ways in which your family and community violated your privacy and intruded into your marital bedroom, often with humiliating results. How does the Satmar community use the withholding of information about sex and Talmudic teachings about it as methods of social control?
DF: Couples become completely dependent on the community to achieve consummation and reproduction. Rabbis have to be consulted about everything. This makes it really easy for the community to keep tabs on every individual and place the necessary pressure on couples who show signs of straying from the norm. Fear of public shame is a powerful incentive in the community; it certainly made me want to submit without questioning.
RJS: Now let’s talk about books! Some of your earliest acts of rebellion involved reading forbidden books. What were the books that helped you find your identity and reshape your ideas about the Hasidic community?
DF: When I was very young I read fairy tales or books with traditional happy endings because I was waiting for mine. Later in adolescence I read about spunky female heroines who were rewarded for their rebellions and wished I could be one, then I became an adult and switched to real life. Jeannette Walls’ The Glass Castle made me believe that I could end my life in a very different place from where I started. Ayan Hirsi Ali’s Infidel gave me the confidence I needed to speak up fearlessly and expand my horizons.
RJS: Are there “losing my religion” memoirs that let you know you were not alone and gave you strength these last few years?
DF: There aren’t as many out there as one would hope. I read Escape, by Carolyn Jessop, and I was awed by her courage. I still don’t think I could ever be as brave as she was.
RJS: Recommend a few books for readers interested in learning more about the Hasidic culture?
DF: Nathan Englander is my favorite fiction writer in the whole world. He grew up around the Orthodox and writes these lovely short stories about the Hasidic world sometimes. In his collection, For the Relief of Unbearable Urges, he describes a Hasidic woman’s passionate relationship with her wig/hair.
Pearl Abraham’s The Romance Reader is a lovely novel about a young Hasidic girl’s coming of age. Personally, I love Naomi Ragen’s novels.
RJS: Finally, let’s imagine that your community had been willing to negotiate on some of its rules. Are there any changes that could have convinced you to stay?
DF: I don’t know if they would have convinced me to stay permanently (I can’t play the what-if game very well) but maybe I would have stayed longer if things were different. I still advocate for small reforms. Allow women to get an education, drive, and have careers. Allow them to be fairly represented in court rulings, according to Constitutional Law, nor Rabbinical Law. A little big of leeway can go a long way.
Check out Deborah Feldman’s blog and follow her on Twitter @Deborah_Feldman for more information about Unorthodox and her experiences leaving the Hasidic community.
Related posts:
What an incredibly one sided interview! Obviously Ms. Schinsky has already bought into Ms. Feldman’s story without even trying to determine the accuracy of the “facts” represented. So here’s my take:
I am from Williamsburg, my father is from Williamsburg, and my grandparents lived there after the war.
I come from the exact same background that Ms. Feldman is allegedly from. I say allegedly because ANYONE who grew up in the Hasidic/Satmar milieu knows that these are the words of a sad, sad woman. A confused woman. And a very, very bitter woman.
I quote: “Allow the women an education, drive, and have careers”? Seriously? Remember, dear reader – I went to the same school as Ms. Feldman. I drive, and have for many years. I have a very good education – I attended Columbia University as an undergrad and completed my MBA at NYU. I work on Wall Street as a VP. Yet I was married at 19 and have built a lovely family which frankly adds nothing but joy to my life – there is nothing of the “burden” about it (although I freely admit to being very, very tired!) I don’t know, Devorah…. no one – not family, not community, and certainly not the beady-eyed “Rabbis” whose “opinions” you seem to be so fond of citing – EVER stopped me from attaining my educational and career goals. And remember – we went to the same school, lived in the same neighborhood, and probably have many of the same acquaintances. You and I probably passed each other on Lee Avenue a hundred times.
The relationship between a man and woman is NEVER subject to mass attention. EVER. This is the most offensive lie perpetuated above. The relationship between a man and woman is considered by all to be absolutely sacred. How Devorah’s “family and community [would have] invaded the privacy of her bedroom” is literally beyond me! No one gets involved. In fact, the responsibility for upholding this most important tenet of our religion – the Laws of Niddah, or the Laws of Family Purity – is placed SOLELY ON THE WOMAN. Absolutely NOBODY checks up on her to find out if she performed the various tasks associated with the Laws over the course of at least 12 days. She is TRUSTED IMPLICITLY. The only, and I mean ONLY time a rabbi is consulted is when she herself has a question she cannot answer. Community involvement in a woman’s sex life as represented above is an outright lie.
Dear Reader: bear in mind that we are not debating the existence of the Laws, only her representation of them. So please don’t reply angrily about how the Laws shouldn’t exist at all. I”m pointing out that Devorah is misrepresenting them, and badly, in a way that is completely opposed to the way they are taught and lived by the vast majority of Hasidic, Orthodox, Modern Orthodox. and Conservative women. Yes, it’s not just a Hasidic thing – it’s a basic tenet of our faith, one of what I like to call “the Big Three”: keeping Shabbat, Kosher and Niddah.. And while I don’t personally know any Reform women who practice the Laws of Niddah, perhaps there are. Devorah, in her rush to judge the Hasidic lifestyle which – remember – she LEFT, is disparaging the practices and faith of Jewish women through the millennia.
I honestly can’t imagine what she personally went through which either twisted her perceptions so severely or embittered her into an outright liar. I do know, however, that she displays the telltale signs of a woman in denial of her birthright of joy and her heritage of knowledge. A self-hating Jew. And it’s sad, Devorah. You yourself say that “most of the women around me seemed pretty content.” Then you decide that maybe all of them are just faking! Sure, that makes sense. Since you yourself were not content, no one can be! Thus the sense of contentment exuded by the vast majority of the women around you were nothing but an elaborate ruse. And that one of your friends confided that she wanted more? Good for her! Let her finish school and get a degree like all the other women who wanted more! And if a woman is content with a high school education and ten babies, that is HER choice.
I won’t even go into the fallacies represented above about boys taking out their athletic impulses by throwing stones at women (which women? When? I’ll point out that several months ago there was indeed a truly terrible incident in Israel where stones were thrown at a young Orthodox girl by unruly Hasidic boys, and the religious world was in an uproar about it! for weeks! It is NOT acceptable behavior by any standard. If that were happening in Williamsburg on a regular basis, dear Devorah, the world would surely know. There would be endless outrage, as there is every time a Hasidic person protests so much as a bike lane. There is no love lost between people like you and the frum (religious) world. Bring names and dates, Devorah. Proofs of an ongoing pattern. Not unfounded allegations easily foisted on a world that doesn’t understand us!) Or how about the comment about women being responsible for the bad behavior of men… I imagine you are referring to the laws of modesty which have NOTHING to do with responsibility for the “bad behavior of men”. That is nothing but a simplistic explanation by someone who has decided on her own that she no longer wants to conform to those laws. Fine for her. But incorrectly explained.
This is all not to say that there aren’t bad people amongst the Hasidim, as there are among every population group the world over. And if a Hasidic lifestyle wasn’t for you, Devorah, I get that. I truly do. By all means, Devorah… go and do your thing. Live life on your terms. Follow your bliss and be happy. No one is throwing you out of the Jewish faith. It is yours by birthright with which to do your best. But to denigrate your old friends and neighbors, your heritage and your history with outright lies?
Devorah’le, my sister, my friend…. I am so sorry for you.
And just by the way… the mice in the dresser drawer? Uchhh. How is that ok??? Take them out, if you don’t want to kill them, free them by the river… but in your DRAWER? Incredibly misguided. Sad, sad, sad.
Wow, fascinating interview and fascinating comment.
bermudaonion (Kathy)´s last [type] ..Review: A Grown-Up Kind of Pretty
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Peshie. It’s no secret that a memoir is one person’s experience, and while I don’t have any reason to believe that Feldman is lying about what she personally believed, I also believe your statement that there are many happy, functional people in the Satmar community. When one of them writes an equally interesting memoir, I’ll be sure to take a look at it.
I went to the same school she did, knew her parents, know her wonderful grandparents…..and for an outsider who does not know anything it appears like it’s all her story..But it aint. Because in spite of the fact that she had upheavel in her life and did not have the ordinary upbringing for which I am terribly sorry, she has injected all her pain and anger into her book…Because, we who know her, know that alot of stuff she says are BLATANT LIES!!!!!I I WOULD LIKE TO PERSONALLY CONFRONT HER AND ASK HER WHICH PRINCIPAL SLAPPED HER ASS AS SHE SAID…LET HER TELL IT TO US INTO OUR FACES….OR FOR THAT MATTER SHE LIES ABOUT LOTS OF STUFF.Woman having curfew…what a d…lie! Men not giving woman pleasure, Lie..Not touching “boobs”, what in the world is she talking about? nightgowns rolled up? Is she out of her mind???? Why doesn’t Simon and Shuster come and interview Hasidic woman and find out that the book she wrote should have been written as fiction, instead of her life story…which is not to say that everything she says is lies. I don’t know what happened in her basement, whether she was molested or not…but you know what…why would I believe her? Because I see with my own eyes that she lies about other stuff, so why believe what I think could actually happen. You know, it is hard to trust someone who lies….so she has just lost her credibility… because she was not honest with the things we know for a fact to be untrue. Sorry Deborah, you just did yourself in….big time.
She won’t get away with it, because the backlash is coming fast and furious….We will stand up for what we believe in and the beauty of our way of life.The fact that she could not, or did not have the best of it, does not give her a right to pour manure of it…because it aint manure…it is a beautiful, exemplary way of life….for those who appreciate the values inherent in it.She could have chosen to find her own path “within the path” as so many have, instead she has chosen to leave the fold entirely and besmirch those who have tried to give her the best they could (her grandparents). What a nice way to show “hakoros hatov” (greatfullness). It only shows one thing….where her heart and soul are…And they are not in a good place right now. I definitely leave room open for repentance…I am not here to call her “black”..I feel she is going through a period of rebelliousness, which she didn’t do as a child and is now experiencing all those pent up feelings and releasing them. I have only pity on her and her beautiful child who are missing out on the beautiful mesorah that has been passed down to her through those who raised her.
To all those who are not jewish and reading this: OUR LIVES ARE NOT DEVOID OF PLEASURE, WE HAVE VERY STIMULATING, EXCITING LIVES…As in every group, and in everything in life, some have better lives than others…but isn’t that the rule in life?…not just our community. Life is what you make it. You can make it exciting and wonderful or you can bitch about everything that you “don’t ” have. You can improve on your lot or you can whine….it’s up to all of us …and the way we perceive things. And everything could be done within the “confines” of our religious upbringing….which actually is not confining…rather liberating.
I’m with Peshie.
While a memoir is one person’s experience, if those “experiences” can be refuted by those women who were very close friends to the author during her childhood, teenage years and marriage, it’s not really an accurate memoir.
While no one can know exactly what went on in Deborah’s life as no one lived her life, many can attest to the fact that the stories she told them,the activities she did with them, and the incidents she shared with them is entirely different than portrayed in the book and on these interviews.
Here’s the thing, though, you can’t refute another person’s perception, nor can you prove from what you witnessed in public that the private experiences relayed in a memoir are false.
SORRY BUT FELDMAN IS LYING AND BIG TIME !!! SHE IS A BITTER MESSED UP WOMAN AND AN ATTENTION SEEKER NO NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON IN ANYBODYS BEDROOM AND YES YOU COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANT IN THERE SHE HAD A GOOD LIFE WITH HER HUSBAND WHOM SHE DATED AND WANTED TO MARRY AND EVEN THOUGH I WASENT IN THEIR BEDROOM I BET YOU THEY HAD A FANTISTIC SEX LIFE ALSO! DONT BELIEVE HER!
” I attended Columbia University as an undergrad and completed my MBA at NYU”
Really Peshie. And be honest please. How many of your fellow Satmar schoolmates are NYU or Columbia graduates too?
Coherently stated arguments like this one are sure to convince people you’re right.
“Here’s the thing, though, you can’t refute another person’s perception, nor can you prove from what you witnessed in public that the private experiences relayed in a memoir are false.”
If the stories she told five years ago don’t jive with the stories she is telling now, she lied at some point. How can she suddenly “perceive” things differently now than she did five or ten or fifteen years ago?
So Rebecca, you and I are walking down the street, and I accuse you of punching me in the face. You have a problem with that? Well, tough luck, that is MY perception…
Schizophrenics have perceptions and illusions too btw. That don’t make them real.
You wanna know what the REAL issue here is?
Feldman was abandoned by her mother at a very young age.
Feldman’s father is an emotionally and cognitively impaired individual.
Genes and environment.
The best of both.
I suppose I understand that a community would feel defensive and want to protect itself, but the way to critique and be heard is not to rant aggressively in every forum you can find. The least you could do is proofread and polish those up
Thanks for interviewing and being interviewed, Rebecca and Deborah!
Thanks for the great interview, Rebecca (and Deborah)! I’ve just added UNORTHODOX to my to-read pile. Looking forward to it!
Hey, Peshie, the only person who sounds “sad,” “confused” or “bitter” on this page is YOU, shayfeleh. Your demeaning attacks on Ms. Feldman belie your true motives. Keep marginalizing her, keep ostracizing her, keep up the attacks on her credibility and family history………….that’s the way to destroy her and her story, right? But you won’t succeed, Pesh. Because there are too many of us out there who know the truth. Who have lived the lives of repression and subjugation. Who were not encouraged to seek MBAs or higher degrees, but who nonetheless found our voices, our spirits, our confidence, and thus our education. And we were forced to do so surreptitiously, often having to move out and away from the disapproving eyes of our communities. And while things are changing and will change somewhat, Pesh, you know better than anyone that the Satmar wheels of change move the slowest. You, Pesh, are the anomaly. You, with your degrees and high position, are a true exception to the rules of Williamsburg’s Satmar community. There are very, very few like you. In fact, as a “frum” – religious woman, I don’t know ANY like you! Not even one! Who, therefore, is exaggerating? Who is distorting the truth? Who is, in fact, lying by ommission? And if anyone is to be pitied, it is YOU, Peshie. I feel sorry for your lack of compassion, for your inability to validate and legitimize a credible and sincere attempt by a young writer to simply tell her story. Why do you feel so threatened by her, Peshie? What is it about Deborah Feldman’s experience and struggles that make you lash out in anger and frustration so vehemently?
Baylee
Peshie had every right to speak her mind, as you do. And I, as a Proud Satmar Talmida will verify that what Peshie said is absolutely 100% right. Peshie is not being defensive, and neither am I. We are just answering the call of duty to defend the lies and innuendos that Deborah has made.
Regarding the above interview, we don’t have to live her life to understand and see that what she says are outright lies.TO YOU REBECCA…Because living in the community and painting everyone with one big black stroke is ridiculous. Besides, I challenge her to the lie she says about mice and that we have no compassion on animals when the Torah outright forbids cruelty to animals.Does the tern “tzar baal chayim ring a bell? We absolutely teach the kids not to tease animals or hurt them…What in the world is she talking about. Keeping mice in a drawer…that to me is the biggest Tzar Baal Chayim!!! Take them out and let them free on the street!!!
Her grandfather sleeping only an hour at a time and eating crumbs…? I challenge her to that too…you mean he never ate a meal….just crumbs. I guess she must have seen him eat crumbs of challah on shabbos, which is a segula to wealth and other things…
Lest I be accused of ranting(it takes time and words to refute things, sorry) there is a lot to be said about what she said, but my biggest point in this whole comment is this: she actually did herself in BIG TIME..by pointing out how eager she was to read all these “enlightened novel and books”, which according to her gave her the courage she needed to leave…that is the exact proof that what we are teaching our children is 100% right. That the chachomim who told us to stick to reading books from Kosher sources knew exactly what it takes to open your mind and heart to wander into territory that is poison to the soul….simple proof thereof:our dear sister has given up on her faith, her practices….she chooses a non-religious life over a beautiful mesora that was given to her as a gift. And that, my dear readers, is because the secular world and all it’s filth was beckoning and messing with her mind, giving her the illusion that life is this big fairytale….all for the taking. You just have to leave your oppressive environment and hop on the train to fantasyland..Oh, for sure eating crabcakes, being mechalel shabbos will definitely place her amongst the heroines of her time…and all of you who are shaking your head in agreement with her have your own battle coming up. You think life is free…to do as you please…Poor you, you couldn’t get a good education….poor poor you. That is the reason you came into this world. To go to college……….wew… and if you can’t get it you march off to “free at last “… as if you have no other choice.
To be honest…it doesn’t really matter. Whatever you do, you do for yourself. In the end of time, you will have to give an accounting to your creator, and don’t say nobody warned you…You can win the battle, but you’ll lose the war, unfortunaley!!!
I feel so sad about what you went through Deborah. I hope you find peace and happiness in your new life. If you ever feel all alone and empty you can still reach out to some of your friends you grew up with. We will support you and help you. We love you and you are still our sister.
Devorah- U make me ill!!! how dare u bashmutz a whole community jst cus u werent happy! no 1 forced u 2 marry your husband, u met him and agreed to marry him! JEWS HAVE ARRANGED MARRIAGES, NOT FORCED MARRIAGES!!!! There is a huge difference!! And if u werent happy with your sex life, u shud have told him that youre not happy!
Yes it’s not right to spread Lashon Hora about a whole community. But who cares what she makes other people think? As long as we’re happy and we know our way of life is the truth – that’s the main. Let the world think whatever they want
“DF: Couples become completely dependent on the community to achieve consummation and reproduction. Rabbis have to be consulted about everything. This makes it really easy for the community to keep tabs on every individual and place the necessary pressure on couples who show signs of straying from the norm. Fear of public shame is a powerful incentive in the community; it certainly made me want to submit without questioning.”
Absolutely false.And so are her many made up stuff.
A letter to Simon & Schuster.
Re: Deborah Feldman and Unorthodox.
Perhaps you people should have looked at the the Twerskys and countless other Chassidimand Orthodox individuals worldwide (male and female), who have become huge successes careerwise, through their intellect, hard work and education, who are serving humanity in many arenas, some doctors, some lawyers, psychiatrists, judges, scientists, actuaries, authors, politicians, etc.
There is no field in the US and beyond where Chassidim and Orthodox individuals have not become successful, where the world at large hasn’t benefited from their brainpower and expertise. And this is with their 4th grade education, according to DF- ho ho. At the same time, they have no desire or interest or thought to leave Chassidism or Orthodoxy behind.
Believe it or not, the above didn’t need that 150 or so member organization, that Ms Feldman speaks of fondly, laden with social misfits and shlemazels to straighten out their minds and guide them in life and offer them vocational advice in addition to “everything goes” sex education, etc.
Some do obviously. Once theyre out in the big world, all morals die for many. The cancer of immorality and the “everything goes in the name of enlightenment mindset”, takes over. Not with everyone though.
Simon & Schuster: she’s NOT the first Chassidic individual to have gone to college! You chose HER to tell HER story and thereby represent uniquely successful (ex)Chassidim? You people are living in the dark ages! Shame on you!
PS- In the future, check your details and sources before going to print, you and her have been outed (referring to a rumor published as fact in the book, and was revealed to be just that, a rumor)!
Are all non- Chassidic people educated and worldly?
Orthodox people are mostly VERY highly educated and VERY worldly. Bad choice of title, S&S!
Maybe she’s a bit like Kayla Huntington Scavo on Desperate houswifes, trying to retalieate to her misfortune by lying. She’s obviously very successful getting the attention she is craving. Kids like her know how to play everything and everyone to their advantage. I feel bad for all she has manipulated.
New York – There is something that seems slightly worrisome about Deborah Feldman. She has written a sensational first book, the memoir “Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of my Hasidic Roots,” which is newly published by Simon & Schuster and grew out of an anonymous blog she kept while trying to work her way out of life as a Satmar Hasid. Now questions are being asked about her veracity.
Sometimes “Unorthodox” seems written in the voice of a girl still on the cusp of adolescence. And while it is memoir, so of course completely subjective, some of the portrayals of people in her life are so broadly written as to seem like caricatures.
The most stunning of what Feldman writes about is the gruesome murder of a 13-year-old boy by his father, for masturbating, and the subsequent cover up by the Orthodox volunteer ambulance corps Hatzolah. In her book, Feldman says that the boy had his penis cut off and was nearly beheaded by his enraged father, and that the body was buried within 30 minutes after it was discovered in an effort to cover up the crime.
But the New York Jewish Week’s Hella Winston now writes that the story Feldman tells is untrue. Instead, Winston writes, a 19- or 20-year-old young man killed himself, and the death was reported to secular law enforcement.
Advertisement:
I spoke with Feldman about it on Saturday night. She was defensive about Winston’s story. “I don’t have a response. My response is always no comment. I am not a journalist…You read the book, you saw how I portrayed that story. I don’t even know why you would try to engage about it.”
Other people besides Winston seem to have questions about Feldman and her book. A new blog is devoted to “exposing Deborah Feldman ,” and the holes it says are in the stories she tells about growing up Satmar.
What really bothers me was here interview on the view where she claimed that hasidim practice hilchas nidah and abstain from their wives while they are impure when this practice is practiced by every religious Jew in the world ,so lying just to sell a book and the view accepting her lie without challenging her just exposes the media bias against religious people.
New blog exposes many of Feldman’s lies http://goo.gl/jv2Ct.
What a pity Deborah, you look like a sweet person underneath all those self-hating comments. Where is your sense of right and wrong? Although your life was obviously a painful one, you failed to rise above your test. Instead you fell to the lowest of the lows, lower than your dysfunctional mother who abandoned you. At least she didn’t perpetuate antisemitism. I grew up in a secular home and chose this amazing awesome, happy, and beautiful way of life that you laugh at and make fun of. Our Jewish religion is so fulfilling, including many of my friends who happen to be Satmar. I pity you that you distort the truth to the extent that they are lies and make our community look disgusting to the non jewish world. Shame on you.
Most of what is in this book is absolutely true. I am stuck and cannot get out of this horrible life and have thought of suicide many times. Even now I am looking over my shoulder to make sure I am alone so I may post about the horrors which have gone on in my community for ages with no change in sight.
I wish I were dead.
Sara, Feldman’s book is evidence that you can get out and have the life you want. If you are really thinking of suicide, I encourage you to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life is worth saving.
Sara, Rebecca alerted me to your comment. If you need help please reach out to me and I will do everything I can. I can guarantee you complete confidentiality and anonymity; please don’t be afraid to send me an email. There ARE resources for women like you.
Sara, I can feel your pain. I spent years feeling stuck and wishing I were dead. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve finally come to see that I do have options. You do too. Its quite a journey, and it can be very painful at times, but there is hope at the end of the tunnel. I wish you the best of luck, and never give up hope!
There are people who are willing to help. I would be happy to as well. Ask Rebbeca for my email address, I’d be happy to talk to you.
Sara, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It’s hard to see light when you are so engrossed in the dark.
I’ve been in a place that I was horribly depressed, in a position in life that I didn’t see a way out of. It took work, and in my case medication, to get out of the depression that I was in. I am thankful everyday that I did not do something stupid.
I know that your situation is different but if you need someone to talk to I am here.
If nothing else, look at these comments and know that you are not alone.
Jaime´s last [type] ..Book Review: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson
There are hundreds of places to approach in the Jewish community, such as the Relief agency, who will do their best for you, whether you want to be Chassidic or not, by recommending the best therapists and social service agencies for your needs. To my knowledge they offer to help everyone who comes their way.
http://www.reliefhelp.org/contact.htm
If you want to eliminate all religious observance from your life, with a leaning towards atheism, Footsteps is clearly the right address. Have you approached them for help? They will twist and turn to help you, but only if you fit the criteria above.
Either way, I wish you well. Youre my sister.
Todah rabah for your kind thoughts. I will try to deal with this as I have had to all my life.
Sara,
I’m so glad you came back to the blog.
I know your pain. I know the loneliness, and worst of all, the isolation.
It can be scary reaching out to somebody, but a friend who understands can be invaluable. You don’t have to be alone.
I’m not going to try to convince you to leave your family or community, I just want to help you find peace and happiness.
I have taken a few, non-judgmental moments, to understand, truly understand, why all of you, for and against Devorah, find it necessary to continuously debate with each other. I’ve come to the realization that, and this is my OPINION, you are all lacking proper knowledge of what the situation really is. In short, “We the people of the Untied States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, (edited out, to make my point) and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. Most people, and I mean most, Orthodox, Chassidik or not, have the right to practice OUR religion, in a manner with which we see fit, as long as we are not hurting any one. Speaking ill about your fellow Jew, and Orthodoxy, which she does, by saying what she saw, is a Freedom of Speech? She put the entire Torah in a negative light, because she lacked the brains to have the courage to stand up for her own beliefs, instead, shockingly, slenderized those who were caring to her, like her teachers and friends. “The pen is mightier than the sword”, and she will never admit that she used it for her own, thoughtless, and uncaring benefits. She knows that the entire Frum world is doing something right, if not there would not be so many HAPPY couples, who are easily allowed to leave their spouses, because divorce is a part of life, in every religion. Debate all you want, but you can’t debate with the Torah, and thousands of years of happy lives, and hundreds of thousands of people, living a life they see fit for themselves. I know a very Ultra Chassidik woman, and she laughed at how stupid this entire story is, because of the fact that all frum people know that no one looks at the cloths she talks about, and even the Ultra frum men and women have beautiful, and satisfying PRIVATE lives. Nobody cares what she thinks, because the ones that matter know the truth, and I don’t mean Oprah, because that was a flop, of course Shternie Ginsburg’s kids know who Mickey Mouse is! Get on with your lives and know this will come to an end, after a while, and by keeping your families away from the lies, you can give them strong beliefs. Being too strict is never a good thing. Be kind to people who are different than you, it’s kindness and understanding that will help in such times. You can be blunt, if you must, but only if asked, after all it’s a private subject, ones bedroom, and even in the Goiyishe Velt, conservatives don’t talk so openly.
I’m just a women, not debating, but telling the truth: My Story,
Happily married, B”H, and continuing to work at it, because marriage is a continuous effort, worth working on. I have KA”H many children, whom I expose to what I feel is right for them, at this time. I am Chassidish, and proud of it. We eat out in restaurants, as do most women where I come from, and our husbands help out in the homes and mine, in particular, brings home the “bread”, as do I, when I feel like it. I also drive, and my friends do too.
Remember, nothing is as it seems, and one person, who admits to reading books at a young age, and who was thrown out of a few schools as a young girl of 11-14, for speaking about sex to her friends, this is FACT, can’t take back what she wrote, they are her distortions to the truth. I do know why she has sunken so low, as to sell such stories as truths, Shmutz sells, and we are an unknown Religion, so why not “expose” us to how she sees fit! I hope her 15 minutes of fame it enough attention for her to get on with her life, as she sees fit. I just feel bad for her son, his mother bashed Orthodoxy, and even if, I hope, he wants to go back to his ROOTS, and be Frum, because he might, his mother won’t want him to, she will brainwash him the rest off his life.
C.N.Schechter
Devora, you must have endured alot of pain .I feel for you. Its not uncommon for victims of trauma to seek to escape the agony. I am sorry that you sought your escape by rejecting the very elixir that can bring relief-your birthright,your heritage,your religion.I have had the privilege of teaching Jewish brides for over ten years, and my knowledge of Jewish law and attitudes towards marriage is vast. Judaism has the most enlightened view towards sex and marriage.The Biblical and Hasidic sources all encourage respect and affection towards a wife, especially in intimacy. It is unfortunate that your personal experience has led you to believe that this is what Judaism is all about. I bless you to discover the truth and the joy that Jewish women have experienced throughout the generations.
Sara, please contact the many resources I and the other commenters have shared here. There are people who can help you and who want to help you.
I read Deborah Feldman’s book, “Unorthodox.” I enjoyed reading every page– she has a beautiful voice.
Have you nasty critisizers read Ms. Feldman’s book? Because if you did, you would know that it is not a critisism of Satmar life or of Hasidic life—- it is a coming of age story about a woman who slowly realized that it was a life not meant for her. If she critisizes people in the book (family members, friends, etc) she does not critisize them for their religion, she critisizes their actions as people.
Does anyone else find it comical that that an overwhelming majority of comments from Hasidic/Satmar women are wildly arressive, mean-spirited, and down-right horrible? What kind of religious woman condemns and threatens a sister in that way?
I also find it comical that these nasty women are ranting about Feldman’s lies regarding the education of Satmar women when their comments look like they they were written by 5 year old children. Their command of the English language is disgraceful.
Deborah Feldman– thank you for sharing your story!
Rebecca, I’m taking it as a given that you care about suffering people and desire to see a world where oppression ceases to exist and happiness is available to all.
I’m sure you also agree to the not-enough repeated indian prayer “Grant that I may not criticize my neighbor until I have walked a mile in his moccasins”.
Granted that I will not judge Deborah for I haven’t walked in her Moccasins. I thank God hail from a very cohesive ultra-orthodox chasidic family, and haven’t experienced the abuse and repression Deborah claims was her unchosen allotment.
Now, having read the entire debate on both sides of the spectrum a sense of dismay overwhelms me. There is hurt, hate, and anger simmering on all fronts. Although all of the sentiments are understandable, none of them seem noble or even helpfull.
Rebecca, in the future, please consider the sentiments of an entire community before promoting an indviduals viewpoint. Although we are black hatted, bearded, and ticheled (headscarf for married women) we too have red blood flowing thru our veins…
My point is not to debate the truths or untruths of this memoir. Personally I concur with the viewpoint that memoirs are personal reflections of personal experiances. And if that was her experience, then it is just that; her experience. May she succeed in finding a happy meaningfull life.
However don’t allow your good intentions to become the unintended hell for others. I totally didn’t appreciate the stares,( maybe I’m just self concious) I believe I received when I visited my local public library this week.
Stereotyping hurts. Don’t become a victim of perpetuating racism. Thank you.
[...] of what happened (Rebecca Joines Schinsky of The Book Lady’s Blog brings this issue up here, in the comments discussing another memoir whose truth was called into question). While he may not [...]
Id love to see how Ms Feldman would react to her son, 15 years or so down the line, if he tells her he’d like to live the life of a religious Jew, and that he can be religious, worldly, educated and successful, all at the same time, like the vast number of individuals who are.
Okay, you women who continue to stay a part of your religious community that’s fine. It works for you. Maybe you never endured the emotional trauma she did. It’s just like any other community. I grew up in a small close knit town. My parents were happily married. We did things like take vacations and see movies on Sunday after church. So when something bad out of the ordinary happened in our neighborhood it was hard for anybody to grasp. Just because we lived in this “tight knit” community and just because I had a good dinner every night and parents who tucked me in and checked my homework, and my friend next door had the same routine doesn’t mean the girl 3 doors down wasn’t being horrifically mentally and sexually abused. Nobody knew her situation until she couldn’t take it anymore. Nobody wanted to believe it but it was true. Who are you to say “I’m totally happy with my religion, my husband, my rules, my traditions, everybody else is as well.” it truly disgusts me that people who may not agree call her a liar. Some people are good at keeping things secret for whatever reason, then not being able to take it anymore. Shame on you for to show such lack of compassion to someone who may have grown up a little differently than what you saw as you passed her on the street.
“Shame on you for to show such lack of compassion to someone who may have grown up a little differently than what you saw as you passed her on the street”
Amanda, anyone who read this book or heard her interniews feels that she blackens a whole community, made up of people of diverse personalities with different religious proclivities.
Its not written solely to describe her individual upbringing and ordeal, or to smear most of her blood relatives alone, and that would have been bad enough.
I think you’d feel similarly if someone wrote a book depicting your neighborhood or religion, check full of exaggerations and untruths, which those in the community she speaks of, write of.
I do believe that Devorah did go through these experiences and feeelings growing up. However, her book is based on her life story and hers alone.She had a very sad and unique childhood, so don’t be too quick to judge her. She was abandoned by her mother, and her father was an embarrassment to her due to his mental health issues. I would venture to say that most orthodox ( Satmar, Lubuvich, etc) were raised in stable, loving homes.She did not have that. She was raised by elderly grandparents. Anyone would feel insecure or feel like an outsider under those circumstances. So show a little compassion. And don’t assume she has made a mockery of this community. Any Gentile who has been to any notable university in America has sat next to and studied with orthodox Jews. I personally knew lots of orthodox women back in the 80′s who drove cars and persued post grad degrees. I’m sure there are even more today. I enjoyed reading her book because it was a book of hope, not because it looked down on the Jewish friends I knew. Devorah was trapped in a situation and she got herself out of a place she did not want to be in. This was her own choice, and is that not what G-d wants…for all of us to have free will?