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Feb
10
Quickie: UNORTHODOX by Deborah Feldman
2012 at 5am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
Published February 14, 2012 by Simon and Schuster
Few things make me happy like a memoir by a woman who busted out of oppressive circumstances and left everything she knew behind in order to build a new life for herself. In Deborah Feldman’s case, the oppressive circumstances came courtesy of the Hasidic Jewish community in which she was brought up in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg neighborhood. Taught that a woman’s place is in the home and removed from school after eleventh grade–after all, education only makes women feisty and disobedient–Feldman entered into an arranged marriage at the age of 17.
A lifelong rebel, Feldman hoped the marriage would be an escape from her stifling household. She dreamed of being able to keep her books, usually secreted home from the library and hidden behind her dresser, out in the open, and imagined her husband recognizing her intellect and agreeing to let her take college-level courses and pursue some kind of career outside the home. Alas, that was far from what she got, and after several years of humiliation–she and her husband knew next to nothing about sex going into their marriage, and by the time they succeeded in consummating it, nearly everyone in their immediate circle of family and friends knew intimate and embarrassing details–she decided she was finished. Inspired by the strong women in her favorite books and the feminist theory she learned in classes she was taking on the sly, Feldman took her son and left.
Now just two years into her life in the secular world, she documents her childhood and reveals surprising–and often disturbing–details about the beliefs and practices that govern Satmar Hasidism. Unorthodox is bold, brave, and inspiring down to the very last word. I tore through it in one sitting, and if you can’t resist a peek behind a sacred curtain, you will, too. Make a note to pick up Unorthodox when it comes out next week, and watch this space for an interview with Deborah Feldman.
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I can’t wait to read this one. I can’t believe how car she’s come in just a couple of years. How inspiring!
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I’m adding this one to my list. I’ve read a few books about orthodox jews, but none from a woman’s perspective.
I just read about this book recently. I cannot wait to get my hands on it!
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I just discovered your blog, and I have to say I love it!. So far most of the blogs of book reviewer or just lovers I found were girls that seem to read only young adult paranormal books…don’t get me wrong, at 26 I’ve had my share of those, but seeing the list of books you read in 2011 was so nice.We only have one in common (so far) and that’s The Night Circus. Also your critics are so inspiring, that I feel the urge to get the books myself…
Thank you so much for your blog
I’m shocked that sane minds would believe a woman who went through a crazy upbringing. There are hundreds of thousands of SMART Orthodox Jewish woman living very very happily !! Proof: Hasidic Jews have the lowest divorce rate!
You don’t think that has something to do with divorce being a source of shame in this community? I don’t doubt that there are many happy people in the Hasidic community, but I also don’t doubt the Feldman’s experiences are true.
Jewish girls usually have enough backbone to step out of a marriage if it’s not working. The difference is that they know that marriage is a commitment, not disposable like most of the world unfortunately looks at it today, so they try working on it as much as possible which prevents lots of divorces which would’ve happened otherwise.
We’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I think if you’d read Feldman’s book, you’d find that she’s not making broad accusations but is connecting how her experiences were shaped by her community’s practices.
I understand that she had a really hard life and we can’t judge her decisions if we didn’t go through what she did. The only problem is that many things that she wrote about her community are absolutely and totally not true! I know, because I’m an Orthodox Jewish woman . She’s basically shaming an entire community who did nothing to harm her, has nothing to do with her and doesn’t even know who she is!
Her story is her story, but people should understand that one story does not demonstrate the larger community.
Shame on Deborah taking a personal problem and blaming an entire community and families why not blame her Smart mother that was raised non hasidic and chose to lead a hasidic lifestyle ? Just for the $$$ both families the berkos and feldmans welcomed her very nicely into the family SHAME on u devorah one more question i got how come after going to college getting educated the best you can do is making fun & degrading an entire community who helped you & your mom (I thought u would be a Dr. or Lawyer what a waste of tome and money we can write this this book without any degree)Btw even none hasidim dont eat pork so just say u have a problem with ALL jews & God alike Shame on u again
I saw Oprah’s visit to a chasidic family today. One visit is not enough to portray family dynamics. I am really interested i knowing more about what it’s like to grow up in such a tight structure without encouragement to develop and grow as an individual. Deborah Feldman’s experience is obviously dysfunctional. Her personal dreams were thwarted. Do chassidic children have dreams or do they lose it in such a conformist environment.
Debora obviously grew up in a dysfunctional home and is venting her pain on the community. Her senseless accusations portray only the narrowminded and sick veiw of her own family. I too went to a hasidic school married at 18 to a boy my parents selected and I only met for half hour before engagement. The difference is my parents asked me if I wanted to see him again and I trusted them and we got engaged. My husband and I individ both took part in standard classes given to boys and girls prior marriage given very explicit sex and love life education. True we learned halacha too how to get clean after menstral cycle but thatwas part of a whole. My husb and I both went on to take( seperate gender )courses and earned a bachelors he is continuing for a masters. We have many friends in the community doing the same and both sets of parents r proud of us as our siblings are. Yes we do have many children and I am my kids mom for now. I am proud of it and know that when they’re older I can always pick up my edu and further it.
Im not sure this will ever reach your eyes, Deborah/sara, but even if it doesn’t I feel that I have aired and cleared my conscience on this very pressing matter.
I have read all about your scandalous uprooting of everything you know is true. Your tzelem elokim and pintele yid can never fade, of that I can be sure.
I am hoping against hope that this will open your eyes and I will have the merit of encouraging your journey back to ORTHODOX Judaism.
I am a PROUD CHASSIDISH mother and HOUSEWIFE. I grew up and still continue growing in Williamsburg. I am a part of the SATMAR community though I attended a different PRIVATE school than you did, one of the many you condemn.
I have many things to comment on however I would like to target the things you mentioned specifically.
For starters, I envy your Olam Habba. When, and I am confident you will, you return to embrace Judaism and its beauty, your connection to Hashem will be deeper that all of ours. As chazal so clearly state “bmakom shebalei teshuva omdim ein tazadikim gemirim yecholim laamod”. As the parable goes, when you cut a string and then knot it back together it is indisputably longer than it was before. So for that I am envious.
In your interview with “The View”, you mentioned that most girls graduate from school with a fourth grade reading level. Maybe YOU did, but I didn’t! Neither did anyone in my class! You know it’s utterly FALSE to categorize a whole community based on your experience!
What’s the revelation of your attending college? Many people can and Do! It is not the norm, but plenty attend and you definitely don’t have to leave your whole Torah behind to get educated!!
I read with interest your comment about being inspired from the heroine of Anne of Green Gables among other novels. Perhaps reading those books were not allowed in your family, but they are allowed in MOST! And I was inspired by her, too! I wasn’t inspired to leave my religion and everything my youth knew, I was inspired by how proper and GOOD people of that era were! They didn’t do the crazy things people do today. If she were to see how we conducted ourselves today, she would turn over in her fictitious grave! And I am sure that she would approve of the orthodox Jewish community over any other community in the world.
Isn’t it more beautiful to be married for long, happy years than to treat marriage as if it was disposable?
you mock your arranged marriage to a seventeen year old. I had an arranged marriage too! And I had the ultimate decision. I met my husband twice for 45 minutes each, we relied on Hashem’s steady intervention and it works!! I’m happy!!
Of course there are exceptions, but the reality is that most “arranged marriage” work! Which are the majority achieving silver and gold anniversaries? The community you came from or the one you escaped to?
It is a shame that you left all this beauty and wealth behind for some cheap fame.
The truth is that I don’t blame or condemn you I simply have pity on your warped ideals.
Maybe one day you’ll come to your senses.
http://www.thejewishweek.com/news/breaking_news/unorthodox_authors_claim_murder_cover_up_rebutted
Has it been rebutted by a third-party source without an investment in one outcome over the other?
Jewish (and the others): Unfortunately, your rambling “conscience freeing” rant only serves to prove some of Deborah’s/sarah’s points. The displayed writing and cognitive capacity does not seem to be that of someone with and education level that goes very much beyond a fourth grade level. (where’s that bachelors degree from?) Notwithstanding the scope of authenticity of Deborah’s work, the rants heaped upon her appear as impetuous raving concoctions of ignorance mingled with hatred. A silver or golden anniversary, although an ideal thing for many, is far from the only aspiration of anyone actually living within the 21′st century. The range of satisfaction and fulfillment with life far exceeds that of the confinements of marriage etc. WAKE UP!!
I find it truly astounding that in the face of all the hatred, intimidaton, bullying and attempts at humiliation directed at Ms. Feldman, she nevertheless has courageously stepped forward to reveal HER truth, HER life, HER story. How admirable of Deborah Feldman to persevere in sharing her experiences despite the judgments and ugly accusations being hurled her way. Just reading the postings above saddens me tremendously. They are further proof that deviation in any manner from what is expected of individuals in the orthodox community will result in being labeled “warped,” “narrowminded,” “liar” and “pathetic.” And of course “crazy” and “mentally unbalanced.” As if these former chasidic sisters of Ms. Feldman are medical authorities of some sort. (By the way, her interview on “The View” illustrated how dignified, composed, eloquent and focused Ms. Feldman comes across. Despite having emerged from a dysfunctional family (like many people), Ms. Feldman proves that one can rise above the challenges, rigidity and “narishkeit” – nonsense – to carve out an inspiring and joyous life. It seems that her detractors cannot tolerate Ms. Feldman’s need to fulfill herself in OTHER, less conventional ways. They accuse her of shaming them, but they are only shaming themselves with their angry, hate-filled rants.
Att stumped
not exactly sure where baylee finds hate ans intimidation here , obviously Deborah doesn’t want to follow the Jewish religion and its obligations that’s her decision, but to free her conscious i guess she felt she needs to attack and smear her entire community,
[...] you don’t know Deborah Feldman yet, you will soon. (Read here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.) With a publicity onslaught rarely seen on the arrival of a new writer (The View!) we [...]
[...] you don’t know Deborah Feldman yet, you will soon. (Read here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.) With a publicity onslaught rarely seen on the arrival of a new writer (The View!) we [...]
I would love to read this! I missedOprahs interv iew with a Hasidic Jewish family.
Well, I see what you meant about the controversy around this one. Despite that, I’d just like to depart from the religious debate/mudslinging and say that between your review, Rebecca, and your new post about how much we trust in memoirs and autobiographies, you’ve persuaded ME… Thus far I haven’t gone wrong with one of your recommendations so consider it duly Added To Mount TBR, thank you!
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Bravo Ms. Feldman. I applaud your bravery and honesty. Every culture wants to claim perfection. It’s absurd. No Race, Culture or Creed is perfect. Your tome was a fascinating eye-opener. Born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, I’ve always been curious of the various Hasidm communities. It amazed me, how secluded they managed to keep themselves in such a diverse city. Some communities are much friendlier than others. The chapter mentioning the beating of the young black male, brought back some very frightening memories of my own, when I was a child. My family is West Indian and some of my male cousins are Rastafarians. My family came to America in the sixty’s. The Hasidm in Crown Heights were not very thrilled with the looks of their new neighbors. My male cousins were many times threatened & once brutally beaten by hordes of Male Hasidm, who chased them, driving station wagons. They were guilty of playing Soccer a little too late after school, in the nearby park across from Prospect Park HS…Anyway, I understand why your community is in an uproar over you work…But, this is after all, AMERICA…Let Free-Speech prevail…I wish you the Best & Pray for Safety & Great Success…Peace & Blessings
I just finished Unorthodox and was disappointed and felt the story was lacking
in so many areas. The ending was too pat and left me questioning much about the book and its author.
I so need to read this book. Thanks for reviewing, especially among the controversy.
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Hi , My name is Leah. just wanted to let you all know that i am a hasidic mother of 8 children and i run a multi-million dollar company which i started myself. I currently employ 10 people, (some of them men!!) All my life i was taught the value of education. i actually taught English in several high schools fro many years. I am a professional speechwriter and author. I read the book and was dismayed by the inconsistencies and falsehoods. Granted, Devora had a bad experience as a result of her dysfunctional upbringing but i take it as personal offense when she writes things that are simply untrue. I am very happily married to a loving, adoring and successful husband. We spend many romantic evenings and vacations together. I’m wondering where she gets her info from?!!
if i get an answer from devorah herself i will write my answere
meli