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Jun
22
Come out already, jeez! [Thanks, Chely Wright...from Abby Dees]
2010 at 5am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
Yesterday, I reviewed Abby Dees’s new book Queer Questions Straight Talk, which is all about helping straight people begin conversations with their LGBT loved ones. Since I’m all about openness, communication, and dialogue, Abby’s book fits right in with my philosophy, and I’m happy to welcome her today with this guest post that pays tribute to another woman’s coming out story and proves that coming out in middle America isn’t always the way you think it would be.
OK, so right now you might be asking your computer, “Who is this woman, and why is she telling me about a celebrity memoir?” I will explain
I’m Abby Dees, and I just wrote a little book called Queer Questions Straight Talk: 108 frank and provocative questions it’s OK to ask your lesbian, gay or bi loved one, designed to get straight and gay, lesbian or bi folks actually talking to each other and clearing up all that confusion and squeamishness on the topic of being gay or bi. My hope is that we can get away from the idea that there are official “right” answers to the questions straight folks have, and instead, put our collective energy toward the simple desire to understand, communicate and open our hearts to one another.
Which brings me to country singer Chely Wright’s new coming-out memoir, Like Me. This is an important book, simply because it tells an all-too-common story, but one that rarely gets told quite like this. Coming-out stories are kind of a bonding ritual to LGBT people – they never get old, and total strangers can relate over a shared secret-first-crush tale, or about the insane things our parents said when we told them. But in our literary canon, such as it is, there is a dearth of stories from Middle America that don’t also belittle it. It usually goes like this: “When I realized who I was, I got the hell out of this backwater hell-hole and I’m never going back!”
Chely Wright, though, has done something very different. She is the real deal: a small-town girl who is not at all interested in shedding this part of herself (“coon hunting” is mentioned in a non-ironic way at least three times and she is most comfortable with words like “gal” and “heck”); a life-long fan of Loretta, Hank and Dolly; and someone who promised God that she’d give up love so that she could live her dream of being a country singer. She’s proud of her roots, and profoundly weary of the idea that “heartland” and “homosexual” are mutually exclusive. And it’s this that sets Like Me apart from your average tell-all. I predict that people will come out, to themselves, to their families, to the world, because of Chely Wright.
I’ll admit that at first this was a slightly prurient purchase on my Kindle, impulsively downloaded to fill the void just left after I’d inhaled Belinda Carlisle’s memoir of being a drug addled Go-Go. I was in one of those moods. The book equivalent of needing french fries after you’ve finished a milk shake.
I didn’t know who Chely Wright was, and I’m not a country fan. My partner, however, worked in the Nashville music biz for 20 years. She said that rumors had been circling about Wright’s sexuality ever since her first hits, “Shut Up and Drive,” and “Single White Female,” in the late 90s. I have it on good authority that at least some of Wright’s success in those days had to do with a few hopeful country-loving lesbians who clung to those rumors and thought she was mighty hot too (and she is) – my partner among them.
But what they didn’t know at the time was that Wright was living an excruciating secret life, known to only two other people. She bought a house in Nashville and settled down with a woman she calls the love of her life, had dogs and a garden, and came home to dinner after a day in the studio or writing songs on the legendary Music Row. She exhausted herself maintaining the facade, and her partner desperately wished for Wright’s singles to flop so that their relationship wouldn’t need to stay in isolation.
The rest of the world – including close loved ones – saw instead a good, God-fearing straight girl, dating then-up-and-coming superstar Brad Paisley and living the country music dream. (Country seems to love these music couplings – think Johnny and June, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, etc.). The schism and angst of keeping her true self hidden nearly drove her to suicide in 2006, when she stood in front of a mirror, holding a 9mm in her mouth, finger on the trigger. A sudden sound in the distance broke her intent just enough to make room for her to start the second part of her life as an honest, integrated lesbian.
Like I said, this story is not new. There are countless tales of people staying in the closet for the sake of their careers, people living in shame, joining “ex-gay” groups, some killing themselves. I am always shocked to learn of yet another acquaintance who struggled for a near lifetime under the conviction that he or she was going to hell. But as time goes by, and “gay” becomes common enough to be almost passé, a lot of us – straight and gay alike – start to wonder what the big deal is. We know it’s OK, right? Look at Ellen! Elton! Anderson Cooper! (not confirmed, but come on…). We have even less sympathy for someone who is successful, beautiful and at the top of her game. Come out, already – jeez.
But here’s the thing: Wright was right. No chart-topping country singer has ever come out as gay. It would have utterly destroyed Wright’s career, the only thing she ever wanted, more than even love. She wasn’t being paranoid, and in fact, those persistent rumors that she was gay very likely had something to do with the fact that you (perhaps) and I never heard of her. In this way, Wright’s story is an awful lot like that of thousands, or millions, of closeted LGBT folks all over America.
When Oprah asked Wright about this, she intimated that Wright had might have needlessly worried that coming out would cause her to lose her career. Wright responded, “I still don’t know that I won’t.” Nonetheless, she has made the choice to be brave and honest, and to stand up for who she is, regardless of the consequences. To much of America, she may well be the first real-life example of someone like just them, gay and from the heartland, coming out and living to tell about it with a big ol’ smile on her face. Wright knows this, and her title, Like Me, is a very intentional affirmation of her membership and pride in both worlds.
Unlike so many celebrity memoirs, she’s not doing any of that “But what I really want to do is talk about my art” stuff. Her memoir and her own public coming out are inextricably linked to her sense of moral duty to be a role model for gay people. “If that’s you,” she writes, “hear my story. I want you to know that you are not sick and you are not alone.” No, you’re not, even it really feels like you are.
Oh, and the actual writing? Not bad. Either Wright had an excellent editor, or she is a pretty darned good first-timer. I’m suspecting it’s the latter. One thing I’ve learned about country music from my partner is that it’s all about the lyrics. Country fans want a story that feels honest and familiar, a reflection of their lives that catches the nuance of how much a beer on Friday night and a kiss on the front porch can make up for the a long, hard-worked day. I’m told they can spot a fake a mile away. Wright brings this sensibility easily to her narrative. Her language is folksy, but not at all simplistic, told in small impressionistic bite-sized chapters that are loosely assembled together – a lot like songs. There are a few narrative gaps, where ideas aren’t finished completely, and images appear and then never reappear. These are forgivable flaws, amidst a scrupulously honest and graceful personal inventory of someone just figuring it all out.
Let me say at least this: I hardly remember a thing about Belinda Carlisle’s story (except to marvel at the sheer quantity of cocaine she did), and I read it last week. By contrast, after reading Wright’s story, I find myself often returning to the image of her holding a gun in her mouth, and I think about how at even the lowest moments, we all have the opportunity to find redemption and hope. I thank her for this.
Learn more about Abby at the Queer Questions Straight Talk website, where you can submit your own questions, watch videos, and more.
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Rebecca Schinsky
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Thanks for the introduction of Wright’s memoir. My ex-husband’s brother wrote one of the songs on Single White Female & I remember being in Nashville the first time she sang it publicly. Simply because of the connection, this might be something I’d enjoy reading. Thanks!
.-= Elisabeth~Babbette´s last blog ..Book Review :: She’s Come Undone =-.
I appreciate being told about both of these books. I have a couple of people in mind for both of these, and I wouldn’t have known about them otherwise. Thanks for keeping up the dialogue and for being open.
.-= Jen-Girls Gone Reading´s last blog ..Review: Stuff-Complusive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things =-.
Great post for LGBT week!
I read about Cheley Wright in I think People Magazine or one of those. Good for her for coming out and throwing a party about it. I hate that people feel they have to hide it to protect themselves. I look for the day when people can be openly gay and not ever be ridiculed for it. I am excited that changes are taking place all the time. I think it’s terrible that my uncle never got to marry his partner even though they lasted longer than most hetero marriages and lasted until the day his partner died. They came through in D.C. since then but they never got the chance. It sucks.
´s last blog ..Guest Posts for 2009 Colorful Challenge Participants =-.
.-= Rebecca T.
Very much enjoyed this guest review! I’m going to try to make time for this one.
.-= Amy @ My Friend Amy´s last blog ..Review: My Wife’s Affair by Nancy Woodruff =-.
I’m a fan of Chely’s music & when I heard that she came out I was like “So she’s a lesbian, so what?” Then I realized what a big deal this was for her, career-wise. I didn’t realize she had a memoir out. Now that I know I will
def pick it up.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Review and Giveaway: Emily The Strange =-.
Everything I hear someone talk about this woman’s interviews, or I read another article it brings tears to my eyes. I very much intend to read this book, and your blog only makes me want to do it all the faster.
I, like you, hadn’t really heard of Chely before, but that doesn’t decrease the impact of her story. We all have our story, some more dramatic than others. I think I am more drawn to this one because of her connection to God. I fought my feelings for so long because of my upbringing, pastor’s daughter.
I can’t wait to read her story.
storeyonastory.wordpress.com
[...] The Book Lady’s Blog opens up discussion Check out the full Book Lady’s Blog posting here: http://www.thebookladysblog.com/2010/06/22/come-out-already-jeez-thanks-chely-wright-from-abby-dees/ [...]
Wow — I really appreciate learning more about Wright, a singer with whom I was familiar but knew little about. What an inspiring woman!
Thanks to Abby (and Rebecca) for a great post!
Meg´s last [type] ..Bring books back to Nashville
[...] the past week, I reviewed Abby Dees’s Queer Questions Straight Talk and shared a guest post by the author. Tuesday night brought the #fountainreads discussion of The City and The City, [...]