Connect
Sponsors
Currently Reading
-
Terms
The Book Lady's Blog is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Reviews and articles posted here are property of The Book Lady's Blog and are not to be posted elsewhere without permission. Please contact me if you wish to post any of my work, or any excerpt thereof, in any other location or format.
Miscellaneous
Meet Bookrageous!
Technical Stuff
Design Credits
Jun
21
Book Review: Queer Questions Straight Talk by Abby Dees
2010 at 5am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
Published May 2010 by St. Lynn’s Press
Queer Questions Straight Talk: 108 Frank and Provocative Questions It’s OK to Ask Your Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual Loved One is Abby Dees’s gift to straight people who want to begin a conversation with the LGBT (lesbian/gay/bisexual/trans) people in their lives but don’t know where to start. Though she has been out for more than twenty-five years, Dees still finds that:
Just when I think everyone I know is on the same page, someone will sheepishly say something that makes me mutter quietly to myself, You’ve gotta be kidding…You’ve waited ten years to ask me if there’s a symbolic gay reason I’m handy with a socket wrench?
Grounded in the idea that “silence keeps people apart,” and in Dees’s firm belief that “if you are asking with love in your heart, there are no stupid questions,” Queer Questions Straight Talk normalizes the curiosity and uncertainty many straight individuals feel when they find out that someone close to them is lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LesBiGay, as Dees abbreviates in the book) and encourages them to reach out and just ask, already! The questions Dees includes range from thoughtful to chuckle-worthy, and they address issues both deeply intimate and widely cultural. Before declaring open season on sharing time, Dees sets a few ground rules to help the conversation go as smoothly as possible, reminding all participants in the conversation to:
- Only ask the questions you are ready to hear the answers to.
- Only answer the questions you feel comfortable answering.
- Channel your inner Emily Post.
- Remember that the point is not to get everyone to agree, but to understand.
After a brief introduction, Dees breaks the 108 questions (which can be thought of as “ice breakers” or prompts for conversation) into seven thematic categories: identity, stereotypes, marriage and relationships, homophobia and politics, religion and spirituality, and sex. Each section begins with a few thoughts from Dees and an explanation of how and why the proceeding questions are important. Here are a few of the highlights from this tiny volume (Queer Questions Straight Talk is just shy of 100 pages) that has the potential to make a big impact.
At the opening of the “Identity” chapter, Dees discusses our innate need to name things in order to make sense of them.
Names matter to people, they give us strength and, yes, identity. This is especially true if you happen to have an identity that the world isn’t so enthusiastic about embracing…To put it more simply, if you don’t name yourself, someone else will.
Dees balance this emphasis on identity by acknowledging that sexuality is but a small part of anyone’s life: ” When someone says, ‘I’m gay,’ ‘I’m straight,’ ‘I’m bi,’ or ‘I’m lesbian,’ they are telling you only a tiny part of their story.” Among the questions included in the discussion of LesBiGay identity are:
- Did you choose to be LesBiGay? Do you think it matters if it is or isn’t a choice?
- If you haven’t had much experience with the opposite sex, how do you know you’re really LesBiGay?
- What makes someone LesBiGay, versus trans? What about a lesbian who is really masculine or a gay man who is really feminine? LesBiGay or trans?
The chapter also includes what Dees refers to as “queer answers”—common questions answered by LesBiGay individuals (Dees addresses her reasons for not including questions about the “T” trans experience in the introduction to the book and explains that she does not feel qualified to represent the community but suggestions that a Trans Talk book would be a great addition to the conversation)—and, as examples, the ones in this chapter are “Do you think of yourself as butch, femme…or none of the above? And what does that mean, anyway?” and “Aren’t you too young to know you’re LesBiGay?”
By presenting questions that many people who are more familiar and comfortable with LGBT issues may take as “givens,” Dees creates a place for conversations that are truly starting from zero. Yes, some of the questions may come off as reflections of ignorance or homophobia, but Dees wants to provide a way for those questions to be answered (and misconceptions corrected), and that can’t happen without conversation.
In “Coming Out,” Dees states that ” no matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step” and explains that every new situation is an opportunity to come out…or not.
LesBiGays are always coming out in one way or another. And think about it: we live in a world where the default setting is always heterosexual. If that’s not you, then you’ve got to (nicely, I hope) tell folks that you are not actually heterosexual.
Common questions related to coming out (that is, questions that people to whom a LesBiGay individual is coming out may have) include:
- Does this mean I won’t have grandkids?
- Do you have to tell everyone? Do I have to tell everyone too?
- What’s the funniest thing that’s happened when you’ve told someone? Have your friends told you any outrageous coming-out stories?
As you can see from that last question, Dees isn’t all SERIOUS CONVERSATION and BIG ISSUES. Her goal is to foster warm, loving, open conversations between individuals who care about each other and want to understand each other better, and that often means the sharing of humorous events.
In “Stereotypes,” Dees normalizes common concerns and missteps in order to help make straight questioners more comfortable and again reminds readers that knowing someone’s sexual identity by itself doesn’t tell you all that much about a person. Of course, the most common question related to stereotypes is “Is one of you the ‘man’ and one the ‘woman?’” Dees discusses this question a few times throughout the book and includes insightful responses from other contributors, and many of the questions included in this section address the general confusion between sexual identity and gender identity.
Dees’s chapter on marriage and relationships succeeds in presenting a solid explanation and strong argument for equal rights without being overly political and celebrates the fact that the LGBT community has moved beyond having to refer to their significant others as “my lover,” as was common several decades ago.
Now we say, my husband, my wife, my partner, my spouse, my guy, my gal, my lady (shudder)…The broader culture seems to have gotten a lot more comfortable with the idea that LesBiGays are looking for the same things in a relationship that everyone else is: love, commitment, family dinners, TV in bed, and even kids.
Among the prompts for discussion marriage and relationships are:
- What’s your perfect date like?
- What’s the most challenging thing about having a relationship with someone of the same sex?
- How should I introduce your partner to other people?
You’ve likely noticed that these questions assume a certain level of comfort with the idea of same-sex relationships, and that factor becomes more important as Dees moves her chapters from the cultural to the intimate. She notes that anyone who has gone to the trouble to buy a book about how to have a conversation with the LGBT person they love has already exhibited some openness to the concept, and though the questions begin at a very basic level, they become more personal (and invite deeper conversation) as the book progresses.
In “Homophobia and Politics,” Dees points out that “homophobia is what keeps people locked in the closet so they don’t lose their jobs or get kicked out of their family home.” She gives a brief rundown of LesBiGay rights in the U.S. and affirms straight readers that just by being open to conversation, they are helping to move the issues forward. Suggested topics of conversation:
- What’s the most important thing you want straight people to understand about LesBiGays?
- How does it feel to hear words like dyke, faggot, or queer?
- How are transgender issues the same as (or different from) LesBiGay issues?
- What’s one thing I could do to support you—to be an ally?
That last one is possibly the most important suggestion in the entire book, and I wanted to put big, shining lights around it. If that’s the only thing readers take from this book, it will be a success.
But moving on, Dees discusses religion and spirituality and acknowledges that “the profound desire to feel a connection to God, the Universe, Allah, or the Creator does not simply vanish because someone is gay.” She acknowledges that homosexuality and religion can be highly sensitive subjects and encourages readers:
If you find no other common ground but your love for each other you will have accomplished a lot.
For those willing to take the risk and begin the conversation, prompts include:
- Do you think that God or the Creator made you this way?
- Do you consider yourself religious or spiritual? How does being LesBiGay fit into that?
- What’s the funniest thing (intentional or not) you’ve heard anyone say about LesBiGay people and religion?
This chapter also includes a handful of queer answers from Dees’s contributors, who respond to questions about their own experiences with religion and spirituality. Their responses are insightful, occasionally funny, and excellent food for thought.
Saving the best for last, Dees wraps up Queer Questions Straight Talk with a chapter about sex, stating that:
If my partner and I did everything we normally do together—traveling, bickering over the remote…eating too much, cleaning the cat box—no one would have a single problem with it. We might be written off as spinster sisters or something similarly dull. But add sex to the list and we are suddenly the hottest, trendiest and most controversial thing around.
Though it seems to be sex—how it works, who does what, etc.—that gets people most hung up on LGBT issues, Dees reminds readers that “sex defines LesBiGays as much as sex defines heterosexuals,” indicating that there is much more to LesBiGay life than sex. Potential conversation starters:
- What do LesBiGays do in bed?
- Do LesBiGays use sex toys a lot?
- I’ve heard that LesBiGays are either “tops” or “bottoms”…what’s that about, and what about you?
Contributors provide queer answers to the question, “Honestly, don’t you miss the ‘equipment’ of the opposite sex?” and this response, from a woman named Angela, just made me smile: “If you think you’re missing anything, you can probably just mail-order it.”
The thoughts and questions I’ve discussed here are just a sample of what Dees offers in Queer Questions Straight Talk, which also includes an appendix of resources for those who want to continue the conversation. For me, this book had a feeling of preaching to the choir, but I recognize that I am not its intended audience. I have many close friends in the LGBT community, and, given my penchant for oversharing, I tend to ask them whenever I have questions. Once I removed my own experiences from the reading process, I recognized that Dees has written a book that makes the initial conversations less intimidating and more do-able, and that is a beautiful and important thing.
Visit the Queer Questions Straight Talk website to learn more, and check in tomorrow for a guest post from Abby.
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Rebecca Schinsky
Related posts:
What a complete review! And a great book on a great topic. I’ve been down this road, as my sister is a lesbian. It is not easy to have these conversations, even if you ARE close with this person! Bravo to the author!
.-= Sandy´s last blog ..Sandy’s Audies =-.
Great review of an important book. I just received a copy in the mail and I’m really looking forward to reading it myself!
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Review: The Other Side of Truth by Beverley Naidoo =-.
I’m all about tact, knowledge and dispelling ignorance — and this sounds like just the book to accomplish all three.
.-= Meg´s last blog ..Back from the beach, stuffed lobsters and rejoining the Internet =-.
Thanks for the thorough review, and letting me know that this book exists.
.-= Laura @ I’m Booking It´s last blog ..Why audiobooks? =-.
[...] Book Review: Queer Questions Straight Talk by Abby Dees [...]
Thought-provoking post, and I’m sure the book is as well. It seems that it will help open up a lot of conversations. I’m assuming, though, that not all LBGT people would want to be barraged with questions all the time –that some people are more private than others — so the point of channeling your “inner Emily Post” is a good one. Knowing how far to go, and when, would be just as important as keeping the conversation lines going.
.-= Valerie´s last blog ..Nicholas Sparks, and Junior High School Journalism =-.
What a great review. My brother is gay, and we are really close and comfortable with each other, but I would still love to read this.
Thanks for this book. I plan to buy it for all my family members.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..The Girl Who…. Trilogy by Stieg Larsson =-.
[...] out the link to the publisher’s website for more information about the book, check out this great post by Rebecca at The Book Lady’s Blog, and then think of any and all questions that you might [...]
[...] – The Book Lady’s Blog [...]