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Apr
16
Aging is the New Black [guest post by Elissa Stein]
2010 at 9am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
After the amazing fun of the FLOW conversation last month, I’m thrilled to welcome Elissa Stein with a guest post about her next project, WRINKLE: THE CULTURAL STORY OF AGING. Elissa is just beginning the research process, and she wants to hear from real people of ALL ages. We’re all aging every day, so whether you’re 17 or 70, you have something to share. Enjoy the guest post, and please take a few minutes to click the link and share your experiences with Elissa. Who knows? You might end up in her next book!
Here are the facts folks.
I’ll be 45 for two more months. My hair, shades of brown and dark blonde, enhanced with periodic spritzes of Sun-In, masks the subtle grey that soon could be not-so-subtle. More than one person has quietly mentioned that I should consider Botox for my “angry elevens,” the deep vertical grooves between my eyebrows developed by years of squinting rather than wearing my glasses.
My hands are turning into my mother’s—swollen knuckles, veins standing out against rough skin, arthritis starting to creep in. It’s spread from the top joint of my right pointer finger to the base of both thumbs, which are now sore and tender to the touch.
In yoga, sometimes I’ve gotten lost in the wrinkles in my elbows. I didn’t know those were possible.
I pulled something in my back, loading luggage into the truck of my parent’s car, heading home from spring break in Florida. It’s been a week and there are still slight twinges going on.
These are small. Minute, in the scheme of things. Sore fingers. Crepe-y inner arms. Back aches. But they add up to something that scares the shit out of me.
I’m getting older.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
Right now, in my life, I’m having a moment. I just published my biggest book (so far). Had a kick ass launch party. After taping The View, Whoopi thanked me for writing FLOW. There was my quote in the NY Times. Guest blogging at BUST was a big deal. I’ve been writing every day since October and have never felt such confidence in my voice and my ability to put things out into the world.
I feel almost like I’m at the beginning. In some ways, I am.
But I’m not.
I’m middle aged. Not in the way my mom was, in polyester separates, frosted hair and aviator sunglasses, bowling Monday nights, playing tennis on Wednesdays, hosting dinner parties with cheese trays and salmon mousse. Middle aged now isn’t the same. My daughter only wants to wear my clothes. I can wrap myself up tight in an eagle pose and go out to see music late at night (not that I often want to do that, but I can).
I live in jeans and flip-flops, funky vintage coats, or mod 1960s sun dresses, which do a remarkable job masking the reality that my belly isn’t as hard and flat as it used to be. Two pregnancies made sure there’d forever be a mushy ring around my middle. Someone I know recently had a knee lift and while a few years ago I would have had laughed at the idea, the skin sadly sagging down my thighs has made shorts a fashion option of the past. I have hair growing in places I never would have imagined. But the hair on my head seems to be happy to leave in significant clumps after its been washed.
I sleep less, often waking up in the middle of the night as if it were 10 in the morning, not able to turn the spin in my head off. I eat less, but weigh more. This winter I broke down and bought bigger jeans, finally accepting that I’d never be as thin as I used to be, letting comfort win over the size. My cycle’s changing. I now get monstrous hormone headaches that border on migraine. At the moment I’m wearing sunglasses inside, as bright light hurts. I spend a day each month with mind-blowing cramps that double me over, clenching a hot water bottle to my abdomen. I now get my period every 23 days and let me just say that’s not fair.
There are seemingly endless physical changes, challenges I’m confronting that while I whine about, I can handle.
It’s the other stuff that unnerves me, causes panic, sends me into a tailspin. I worry about cancer. Dementia. Heart issues. Kidney failure. Stroke. All things happening to people I know. And now it’s not just grandparents and parents of friends. It’s people my age. Fellow parents at school. My husband’s best friend. My brother. At any moment one of the strange pains I feel (while I’m not a hypochondriac, anxiety is my middle name) could end up being something serious. Life threatening. Terminal. I try not to go there, but illness and the serious side effects of aging are becoming more and more an every day reality.
So. What am I doing to deal? I’m not going the plastic surgery route. I haven’t bought a motorcycle, and started dating someone half my age (although the latter half of that statement could be fun). I don’t spend thousands on creams that don’t really do anything, have toxins shot into my face, go for chemical peels or colonics.
I’m not buying into the fountain of youth promise advertisers bombard us with. Although I have to say, that facial roller claiming to minimize wrinkles got my attention for a moment or two.
What I’m doing is writing WRINKLE: the Cultural Story of Aging. And I’m hoping that by talking, researching, learning, exploring, starting conversations I’ll find a way, both for me and others in the same getting older boat, to feel more comfortable with the inevitable.
I would love to hear what you think/how you feel about aging.
Thanks, Elissa! I can’t wait to see what WRINKLE will bring.
Related posts:
- Book Review—Flow: The Cultural Story of Menstruation by Elissa Stein and Susan Kim
- On Post-Publication Depression–Guest Post from Eve Brown-Waite
- Guest Post & Giveaway: Christopher Meeks
- Introducing 5ft Shelf [guest post by George Palmer]
- Insanity 101, or How I Survived My First Year as an Author [Guest Post]
You know what? I love getting older. I think few women can say that, but I honestly do. My mother was never one to be upset about getting older, so I never had any reason to think that way. We throw Buzzard parties for our family members when they turn 40 and I can honestly say I can’t wait until 9 years from now when I get mine! I was so happy to turn 30 last year, and I really can’t wait until I hit 45 because then my kids will all be off in college and I can travel, whee!!!
Now I know there are some physical drawbacks to getting older, but personally the mental gains outweigh them to me. I like being more confident and secure in who I am. I like not having to worry about media attention and the things I’m supposed to be like. I like that hormones die down and my bipolar disorder is now controllable without meds, and I like that I will pretty much lose that bipolar disorder altogether after I go through menopause.
To me, there is seriously nothing wrong with getting older and I hope someone can help break our country of that awful thinking!!!
Hello there!
My name is Susi and I’ve been a lurker on your blog for quite a while now and I’ve only recently decided to ‘de-lurk’ and create my own blog, participate actively in the community. I really hope I’ll manage to be as active as you all are.
Anyway, I’m in my twenties, so I don’t really feel the effects of getting older, yet. I do, however, have to listen to my mum complain about getting older all the time. I think what she doesn’t like about the aging process is the disadvantages it brings – your body starts ailing (she actually calls it ‘falling apart’). But I think she also sees the merits – she doesn’t have to work anymore, she can do whatever she wants, even if it means spending a whole day in front of the TV with her daughters, watching silly romantic movies that others laugh about.
Anyway, great guest post and it’s very nice to meet you both!
Thanks for introducing yourself, Susi! I’m in my late twenties, so I’m only starting to experience effects of aging (namely the cosmic unfairness of having pimples and gray hair simultaneously), but I love this topic and am so glad to be pushing conversation about it forward. Hope you’ve filled out Elissa’s survey as well! I look forward to visiting your blog.
Oh I hear you on the simultaneous gray hair and pimples thing. Completely unfair!
Great guest post! I’m a couple of months older than Elissa – just turned 46 a few weeks ago – and nearly everything she says here provoked a head-nod from me. (However, my hair still seems pretty plentiful and the gray ones aren’t very numerous
.) Having married for the second time at 42 and taken on (step)motherhood shortly before my own son finished college, I relate to the sense of being at the beginning of something when I’m really in the middle of it. I’ve finally started to feel like I’ve caught up with my life.
Anyway, I’ve just completed Elissa’s questionnaire, and I’m VERY interested in this project.
Thanks, Florinda! I know from your more personal blog posts that you have wonderful insights to share, and I’m so glad you took the survey! (Now we just wait a while for Elissa to write & sell the book, then we can do some more oversharing for a giveaway!)
I’m 44, and in a lot of ways I feel better now than I did when I was in my 30s. Sure, I wish I could have “abs of steel” (which I never will have, post-three kids; although I exercise regularly) and if I could afford botox for my “frown lines”, I’d give it a try.
My 30s were hard, in part because it’s when I was having my babies. But in the long run, I think it was actually a good time to have kids. Now that I’m 44, they help me feel young! When my mother was 44, I was already an adult.
So far, any hormonal effects I’ve had have been for the better
.
First of all — Elissa’s hit the nail on the head — she sees the so-called “signs,” but doesn’t have any intention of caving to them
.
We girls “of a certain age,” get to live unexpected, robust exxxteeended “middle age” times — from when we’re 35 to 65 or older, we get to be lively, love, live, have sex, be pretty, dance, roam the world — in ways our mothers and grandmothers NEVER thought about!
It’s really a little bit amazing.
LOVE your “voice,” Elissa! LOVE it!
Cathie Beck
You may not feel so cheery when the age clock shows 60 or 65. However, enjoy the process.
I’d like to respond directly to Elissa rather than posting to the blog. Is that possible?
Yes, that’s the idea. Click the linked text near the end of her post. It will open up a survey for you.
Oh I may complain then about lots of things, but it will never be about the age itself. Age has never matter one bit to me.
Awesome guest post. As for me, I don’t care about the wrinkles. What a small price to pay for the emotional freedom that accompanies aging. Bring it on! Just give me my good joints back.
As long as I don’t look in a mirror, I’m as young as I feel.
If I DO look, well, it pretty much effs up my entire week.
I’m so with Elissa on so many of these!
What can I say? I’m 55 and I love my birthdays. Each year brings new adventures and new wisdom. Age is just a state of mind and love life — the older I get, the more life I get to experience. 45! Ha … just a kid.
In my house we have ice cream cake for breakfast on birthdays. How can one not be psyched for that? And I’m with you about age being a state of mind. Nicely put.
You can find me on twitter: @elissastein or my FB fanpage: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Elissa-Stein/165415087041?ref=ts – would love to hear from you!
Cathie – thank you! I’m finding this part of the journey remarkable and really surprising. I never thought at 45 I’d be at the brink of new things. I love that my kids are watching and learning that life can continue to change and evolve, rather than get stuck and stagnant.
Well, I’m 51 and I’ve learned to live with gray hair, but I have to tell you, I’m not crazy about the age spots that are popping up.
I turned 50 last year. Age doesn’t really concern me. getting to know myself better which helps put a different perspective on everything. still having lots of fun, appreciating friends/family more and loving life. put a few pounds on plus major illness but have to keep the joy.
Everything Elissa said and more! I’m 45 and hate it. Sorry but I don’t want to get older. I don’t like the thought of arthritis, menopause, gray hair, wrinkles and I’ll do anything I can (afford) to avoid it!!
I enjoyed this guest post and heading over to her site!
Thanks,
Natalie :0)
I’m turning 40 in May and have never felt healthier and more confident as a woman. I’ve learned that gratitude and taking things slow(er) really keeps me young and hopeful. Living in VT is incredibly healing, too.
Most of my clients who come for intuitive sessions or Reiki are women. Many dread entering menopause. It shocks me because that is when women are at the height of their powers–not that it’s celebrated in society–and wisdom. They are the leaders of the matriarchy and lord knows we need as many as possible with this great shift towards the Sacred Feminine.
Jill, You couldn’t have said it better. But barring chronic illness there are some advantages. Part of it can be about writing a new chapter & independent reasoning unrestricted from other opinions. Hope I can stay healthy and pain free as I mature. That’s key.
55 years young.