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Mar
31
Pillow Talk, take 3 (or what happens when Bob and I watch TV at bedtime)
2010 at 7am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
When Bob and I started living in sin several years ago (and yes, I *still* wish I’d gotten to send out those change of address cards with “Livin’ in Sin” printed on the front), the only major battle we had was about whether or not to put a TV in the bedroom. I, preferring to enjoy my bedroom for reading and, ahem, other reasons, was diametrically opposed. He, contending that the television could easily be turned off whenever we pleased and that it would be nice to be able to watch TV when we observed our Sunday ritual of staying in bed until at least noon, won the day with persistence and use of the phrase “Woman, I give you just about everything else you want. Give me this one thing.”
Loathe as I am to admit it, I have come to enjoy having a television in the bedroom. Most nights, Bob unwinds by watching Family Guy while I read, tuning out the ridiculousness and popping back in to laugh at the funny stuff that I hate to admit makes me giggle. But what are you gonna do? It’s funny precisely because it’s just so very wrong. When Family Guy isn’t holding Bob’s attention, he channel surfs.
And that’s where the fun comes in.
A good channel surfing night usually ends with us watching crazy women trying to sell jewelry on QVC. We snark on the jewelry. We snark on the commentators. We go into hysterics listening to the people who call in to gush about how THAT SILVER-PLATED BRACELET IS SO ELEGANT AND AT $19.99 IT’S A TOTAL STEAL AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE AND I’VE JUST GOTTEN SO MANY COMPLIMENTS ON IT.
I cannot tell you how many hours we have spent in the past nine years watching QVC together. It is way more fun than it should be.
Also, there’s late-night televangelism. Talk about great material for snarking.
(Remind me to tell you later about the time I called one of the televangelists and ordered up a shiny green “prayer cloth” for my stuffed moose Mahoney.)
Anyway, we’re doing the bedtime TV thing a couple nights ago, and Bob lands on G4‘s coverage of the Adult Entertainment Expo. Which is exactly what you think it is. And then a porn star starts telling the interviewer about how she used to be Amish and now she does porn.
Me: Amish to porn star? That’s a pretty major switch.
Bob: She was Amish in the City!
(That was a reality show featuring Amish kids, well, in the big city. It was awful. And wonderful. And I’m pretty sure that’s where The Office got the model for the character of Dwight’s brother Mose.)
Me: She really went wild on Rumspringa!
Bob: I’ll go wild on her Rumspringa…
(cue the collective *groan*)
Me: I wonder if there are any former porn stars who are now Amish. Like, does it go both ways?
(Blessedly, Bob leaves the potential joke about going both ways alone.)
Me: Can you just join up with the Amish? It might be kind of nice.
Bob: Well, I’d imagine they recruit.
Me: Really? I mean, I haven’t heard of Amish evangelism. Doesn’t seem like the kind of community you could walk into and sign up.
Bob: But, you know, there are always more of them….so they must come from somewhere.
Me: Okay, maybe. But if you could just join up, then how come no one’s gone undercover and written a “life with the Amish” exposé? There’s gotta be material there.
Bob: An exposé? What would it say? “Today we raised a barn.” Oooh, good stuff.
Me: Oh, come on. You know anytime there’s a close-knit group like that, they’re keeping each other’s secrets, hiding the proverbial skeletons in the closet.
Bob: “Dear Diary, don’t tell anyone, but Josiah hoards peaches!” Yeah, major Amish scandal.
At this point, we dissolve into various riffs on stereotypical Amish names, embarrassing food-based names for the children we’re not going to have (though Chimichanga does have a nice ring to it, and think of the nickname possibilities!), and devious plans for how I could infiltrate an Amish community, somehow turn off my potty mouth, and write a tell-all book.
Just imagine what they’d think of #pantyworthy!
Very special thanks to my great sport of a husband for giving me permission to reprint the phrase “I’ll go wild on her Rumspringa.” That was a classic.
No related posts.
I remember Amish in the City. It was horrible in a can’t-look-away way.
I’ll go wild on her Rumspringa is now my That’s what she said.
LOL!
These are seriously my favorite posts. They get me to giggling every time. And can I just say? I actually saw the Amish reality show. How is that for sad?
I love these posts. I am very happy to say that I have never seen Amish in the City. They must not have carried that up here in Canada!
They did, Amy, but I can’t remember what channel. It wasn’t on very long and it was years ago. I don’t know why I watched it. My husband thought I was nuts!
Hmm.. I guess I just don’t watch TV then. Hearing all these comments I am almost sad I missed the show though. Almost…
I probably shouldn’t read these posts when it’s possible I’ll laugh so hard I spit hot cocoa all over my computer keyboard. I’ve learned my lesson.
–Anna
This post cracked me up. The Huz and I have a TV in the bedroom too and it always ends up the same way. Him watching, me reading, me slowly watching more than reading, me laughing and the two of us cracking jokes or mocking the ridiculous people on The Soup.
We sometimes watch the German version of QVC, and our favorite is this creepy woman selling dolls. We’ve done a thousand fake call ins (to each other) and laughed so much. Comedy gold!
Lenore, I can’t tell you how validating this is! I thought we were the only ones.
Oh, how could I have forgotten about The Soup? That’s a favorite.
YOu guys make me laugh. You really should write a book about your pillow talk!
That was great! I’m with you about this Amish thing. Can’t want to read the exposé!
Glad I could help! My favorite is when Daniel pretends to be an old perv who buys the dolls to be his girlfriends – priceless!
I can’t believe I wasn’t the only one watching Amish in the City!!! I am glad to hear one of them went on to a career in porn. That really makes the show more intriguing in retrospect.
I especially enjoyed the idea of “Living in Sin” change of address cards.
I definitely need to get myself some of those.
Oh, no. The porn star wasn’t actually from Amish in the City. We were just joking about how she made the transition. But you definitely weren’t alone in watching it!
hahahaha! That was pretty entertaining.
I like the idea of ‘living in sin’ change of address cards, too! lol
Sadly, Bob did veto the change of address cards. Didn’t think his relatives could take it
My roommates and I used to watch infomercials all the time after Conan was over. I think they’re almost better than QVC. My favorite is the one for CDs of ’80s Power Ballads (who doesn’t love to sing those!?)
Also, the phrase “Woman, I give you just about everything else you want. Give me this one thing” is so funny. What a good guy
He’s a keeper! And I SO agree with you about infomercials. I particularly love the one for the magic bullet mini-blender. You can make a whole meal in just 30 seconds!
We used to have a TV in our bedroom and we never used it. So, we gave it to our eldest to sell. Poor guy can’t keep a dollar in his pocket. He’s trying really hard to move in with his fiancee. I’ll have to tell him he needs to get “Living in Sin” change-of-address cards when he moves. He’ll love that. Thanks for the laughs!
HAHAHAHA this is hilarious! Infomercials are deligtful sometimes!!!
I am loving this pillow talk conversations!! I too make fun of the infomercials because they are just too hard not to laugh at….
I miss so much by not watching tv. lol You kind of lost me at ” prayer cloth for a stuffed moose” but I caught on again with the stripper. I’m a farmer’s daughter who lives in Amish country so you had me howling at “Josiah hoards peaches”. Thanks for cheering me up.
That was one of the funniest conversations I’ve had the pleasure of reading in recent months, especially the “Dear Diary: Josiah hoards peaches. Major Amish scandal.” It had my husband and I (also major channel surfers) rolling.
Also, check out the late night infomericals on those box-set music collections from Time Life and other assorted merchants. Usually features a few washed up celebs. Always ripe for snarking.
I can’t picture you going under cover but you could send Bob into the Amish trenches. I’m sure he’d come back with some good material.
I grew up in an area that had a major Amish community. I remember back in the mid 90′s right around the time Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise” song came out (the music video starts by zooming in on a sign advertising my home town, no joke) there was a real Amish scandal. A father and a son on Rumspringa were growing and selling weed out of their barn and got busted. We drove by the farm at one point and my father pointed out the barn to us and my precocious youngest brother piped up from his car seat, “They were just trying to make an Amish paradise!” We were rolling in the seats in laughter. It’s been a running joke in our family ever since.
That is classic.
I’m pretty sure your #pantyworthy wardrobe wouldn’t be allowed in the Amish community!
Probably not….imagine the scandal I could cause, though!