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Nov
20
Book Review: Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman
2009 at 12am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
Published May 2009 by Doubleday (a division of RandomHouse)
My friend Kristen wrote a guest review of this book back in the spring that prompted me to read Ayelet Waldman’s controversial essay in which she said that she loved her husband more than she loved her children, and that prompted me to make my own confession about still being on the fence about the whole to-breed-or-not-to-breed issue. Kristen was kind enough to send me her ARC, and I finally got around to reading it during last month’s read-a-thon.
Maybe it’s because I’m still undecided about whether I want to have children (still leaning toward not, just in case you’re wondering), but I find these warts-and-all candid accounts of parenthood completely fascinating and irresistible.After reading Waldman’s husband Michael Chabon’s recent collection Manhood for Amateurs, I had high hopes, and Bad Mother did not disappoint.
Anyway, Bad Mother is a collection of eighteen essays that chronicle, according to the subtitle, “maternal crimes, minor calamities, and occasional moments of grace.” It is a modern woman’s progressive take on marriage, partnership, parenting, and tough decisions. And why is it called Bad Mother? Well, because this is a book “about the perils and joys of trying to be a decent mother in a world intent on making you feel like a bad one.”
In the title essay, Waldman explores the double standards our society applies to defining good parenting.
Being a Good Father is a reasonable, attainable goal; you need only be present and supportive. Being a Good Mother, as defined by mothers themselves, is impossible.
This same idea appears in an essay in Chabon’s collection, and I found it very interesting to read about the separate experiences of both members of a couple. Addressing another issue of couplehood in “Free to Be You and I,” Waldman wonders “Is the problem not that men choose to do only a third of the domestic labor but that women let them?” Refusing to accept the (asinine) notion that being a woman makes one inherently more inclined to or more skilled at cooking, cleaning, etc., she recounts the ways in which she and her husband have divided the work of raising children and running a household, and if I weren’t already a little bit in love with Michael Chabon, this would have put me over. Women need to expect the men in their lives to be equal partners, and men need to come to the table prepared to do so.
Waldman also addresses the fact that strangers often feel compelled to express their ideas or opinions about parenting and force them onto others, and in the essay “Breast is Best,” she recounts a very funny story (that I won’t tell you because I want you to read the book yourself) and admits that “As a parent, I am absolutely certain of only one thing: my own fallibility.” Her willingness to admit her mistakes, confess her uncertainty, and drop the facade of being a perfect parent make Bad Mother a very compelling read.
In “Sexy Witches and Cereal Boxes,” Waldman discusses her early sexual experiences, her determination to be honest with her children about sex, and her struggle to accept her daughter’s impending sexual awakening. While her own first experience was with an older, more experienced man, she has different desires for her daughter.
I want her boyfriend to be a pimply-faced boy her own age, blushing and gawking, with no more idea of what to make of a teenage girl than she has herself.
It’s encouraging to know that even the most progressive parents have a hard time figuring out how to navigate the whole birds-and-the-bees thing, isn’t it? I mean, I did sex research graduate school, and even I don’t know what to say to my sister-in-law about how to start having “the talk” with my ten-year-old niece. I can only imagine how I’d approach it with my own kids.
In addition to discussing relatively common dilemmas of marriage and family life, Waldman also recounts her decision to have an abortion when she learned that the baby had a genetic defect and was likely to be disabled and the process she and her husband went through in arriving at and making peace with that choice. That essay, “Rocketship,” is easily the most difficult-to-read piece in the collection, but it is also possibly the most important for the way it lays out the meaning of “pro-choice,” the experience of having an abortion, and the intense complexity of the decision.
It’s easy to talk theory and to support a woman’s right to choose, but it is entirely another to exercise that right and be brave enough to tell the story. Waldman’s courage in discussing her choice and her strength in refusing to make apologies for it are what make Bad Mother more than just another example of “I wrote a funny book about being a parent.”
In the final essay, entitled “The Life I Want for Them,” Waldman criticizes modern parents’ insistence on raising high-achieving, multi-tasking children.
Why is it that when our children fail to meet our unrealistically high expectations—when they behave, instead, like normal, average kids—we end up disappointed?
And later:
We contemporary parents are convinced, just like the fictional population of Lake Wobegon, Minnesota, that all of our children are above average.
This is a problem not only because it gives children a false sense of confidence and sets them up for failure but also because when “you are so devoted to your expectations…it blinds you to the wonders of the children you have.” And even a Bad Mother needs to celebrate.
I thoroughly enjoyed this collection of essays and Waldman’s candid voice, smart humor, and wry observations, and I wholeheartedly recommend it to readers looking for a new perspective on marriage, parenting, and some of life’s toughest decisions. 4.25 out of 5.
As a side note, Bad Mother would be a fantastic selection for any of you participating in the Women Unbound Challenge.
I was excited when I saw you were going to review “Bad Mother “. I read her controversial essay that you mention in your first paragraph but I haven’t read anything else she has written. I have also read several of her husband’s books and I have his most recent, “Manhood for Amateurs” on my TBR pile. I am happy to discover that you really enjoyed this book and that Waldman does not shy away from tough topics, as usual, but is willing to cover most anything. I wasn’t aware that she had an abortion because she thought the child would be disabled. As a disabled woman I think I would like to read that essay although I don’t expect it will be easy. But I strongly believe in pro-choice and often wonder what I would do in this situation.
Thank you for a wonderful, interesting review of what sounds to me like a book that belongs on my TBR list!
~ Amy
I’m just sitting here with some emotion I can’t identify. I mean, every issue out there involved with parenthood seems to have been covered (and covered honestly!). One thing is for sure, there are many people out there that probably should have give more thought to the “breed, or not breed” question. It is not something you want to jump into on a whim. I’m a pretty intelligent person, but I wonder on a daily basis whether I’m ruining my kids. I’m also at a loss for how to deal with my pubescent daughter sometimes. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in a room and drink, and other times I couldn’t be happier or prouder. Bravo to this book for getting it all out there, and to you for such a wonderful review!
I’m really glad you liked this, I thought it was an extremely interesting book. Absolutely fantastic review.
This book sounds great. I too am on the fence about the children issue and find these tell-all admissions about not being a perfect mother to be very refreshing and intriguing. Thanks for the great review. This book’s definitely going on my to-read list.
I read and reviewed this back in May (one of the very first ARCs I actually solicited), and I thought it was terrific. There’s a very good chance it will be my nonfiction “Book of the Year” choice (but I haven’t read her husband’s book yet…and I’ve been a little bit in love with him for YEARS, so get in line, please!
). Waldman is so unafraid to be open, and while she’s tough on herself and talks a lot about how mothers judge each other, she came across as surprisingly NONjudgmental to me in a lot of ways.
I think I most appreciated that this book was NOT one of those superficial “mommy confessions” that seem to be in vogue lately – it has elements of it, but there’s a lot more substance there.
Great review, and I’m really glad you liked the book so much!
This is actually on my Women Unbound wishlist! Looking forward to it even more after your fantastic review.
Somedays I’m in the closet drinking with Sandy!
I’ll add this to my list for Women Unbound. Thanks for the recommendation, Rebecca; and for the thorough review.
Thanks, Dawn! I hope you enjoy it. I tried to be as thorough as possible, but there is A LOT of good stuff in this book, and I really only skimmed the surface.
I’m glad you really liked this book! I think I already told you this, but Waldman was at this literary luncheon I attended, and she was probably the best speaker there. You thought she was talking just to you, and she’s so funny and candid that everyone loved her.
I agree that we put a lot of expectations on kids. I think there’s a trend to label kids ADD, ADHD, when really they’re just KIDS! What kid can sit down and concentrate on much of anything? Heck, I flit around at work on a daily basis.
I so want to read this book. My husband and I also struggle with the “to breed or not to breed” question, although we are leaning more towards having kids eventually than not. But we don’t plan to head down that road for several more years (probably 5 or so). I definitely will be picking this one up at some point. Awesome review.
Not sure I’m remotely interested in this, but I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I’ve been on this fence about this one. I think I just climbed over into the must-read pasture.
I’m so jealous that you got to hear her speak, Trish! I’ve listened to a few of her interviews on NPR, and really, I think she and Michael Chabon should just adopt me. We’d all get along quite well.
And ditto re: our expectations of kids. They are NOT supposed to behave like miniature adults.
Fabulous wonderful review – I’m jealous of your style and skill at reviewing books – I hereby nom you early for BBAW next year. (feel free to remind me when the time comes?) As someone who has made the dec not to breed, I’m still interested in the whole concept/question and can share that tho I don’t exactly have regrets, I am always eager to AND dread talking about it, if that makes sense.
This book looks amazing. I’m also hoping to read the Leslie Lafayette book “Why Don’t You Have Kids?” for Women Unbound.
I just finished reading TWO IS ENOUGH: A COUPLE’S GUIDE TO LIVING CHILDLESS BY CHOICE by Laura S. Scott and will be reviewing it soon. It was wonderful validation for my thoughts about the decision and would also be a good selection for Women Unbound.
And thanks for your kind words
Loved this review and look forward to you Two is enough review. My husband and I are trying to decide it that’s true
I think that this is a beautiful review.
This quote, “you are so devoted to your expectations…it blinds you to the wonders of the children you have” especially hit home with me.
How often do we live with our children and then end up not really knowing them at all? I sometimes felt this way with my parents and I hope that doesn’t happen with me and my children.
Great review. This one’s definitely going on my list. Your quotes at the end really struck me, too.
This sounds so fascinating and interesting … I have the Chabon book on my wish list and now this one will go on it too. Wonderfully done.
I just ordered both the Chabon book and this one to read next year … thanks!