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Interview with Jim Beaver, author of Life’s That Way

2009 at 8am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky

Jimbeaver lifesthatway

You might remember my gushing about Life’s That Way, Jim Beaver’s memoir of the year his wife Cecily was diagnosed with and died of lung cancer. Life’s That Way is one of the most affecting, unforgettable books I’ve read, and I was thrilled to have the opportunity to interview Jim.

But I couldn’t imagine what I would ask him that wouldn’t be too personal or trite and that would be, well, good enough for a book of this quality. Lucky for me, Kathy from Bermuda Onion was having the same problem, so we put our heads together and decided to do a co-interview. Here are our questions and Jim’s responses.

The thoughts and fears you shared in your nightly emails were intensely personal. How and why did you decide to publish them?

I was, in fact, initially quite reluctant to publish the emails in book form. Despite the fact that several thousand people had read each of them originally, it seemed somehow too private a thing to consider putting into a book. But a steady stream of encouragement from people who had followed the emails went a long way toward convincing me. Finally, though, I think it was a conversation with a friend that turned the tide for me. She told me that 25 years earlier, she had lost her husband and son within six weeks, and that she’d shut down so much in the aftermath that she had never shared her feelings with anyone. She said that after reading my journal, she had decided to open up about her own grief and that the results were so comforting, so positively affecting that she felt her life radically changed for the better. After hearing that, I thought that I simply had to follow through with what so many folks were encouraging me to do. A not inconsiderable factor, too, was the great joy I took in the prospect of introducing my wonderful wife Cecily to a world of people who’d missed out on the chance to know her.

Over the year you spent writing the emails presented in LIFE’S THAT WAY, your audience grew from a group of about 100 rather intimate friends to more than 4,000 readers, many of whom you had never met. Was it difficult to maintain the same level of self-disclosure and openness as your recipient list grew? Did you ever hesitate before hitting “send” or regret something you had written?

Not really. To me, there is something unrealistically “safe”-feeling about typing and hitting “send.” In fact, I felt much safer about the “strangers” who were reading my nightly emails than I did about some of the friends and family members. I’ve always had an ability, in the right circumstances, to sort of bare my chest and say, “Here I am, take it or leave it,” though I assure you it’s not that way most of the time. I’m a very shy and self-protective person most of the time, but when it comes to revealing my heart, it’s often very easy to do. I can’t even always predict what circumstances are required, but many times in my life I’ve surprised myself by spilling my feelings even to a stranger. I don’t think I ever hesitated or regretted hitting “send,” simply because I had always worked out what I would or wouldn’t say beforehand, and I think if I had negative things to say about others, I was able to temper those before sending them out. I rarely felt compelled to temper negative things about myself, though. As I say in the book, what’s the point of having truth if you’re not going to tell it?

How have your friends and family reacted to the publication of LIFE’S THAT WAY?

As I expected, the response has been invariably positive and supportive. There seems to be a great sense of relief and achievement that I’ve finally done this thing and that it’s out there. Of course, many people who were intricately involved in the story have found the events too painful to revisit, but even they are recommending the book and buying it for friends. But I’ve actually been surprised by the number of people who were readers of the original emails who have bought and read the book. It never really occurred to me that any of them would. The book was intended for those who hadn’t been along on the original journey. I must say that the response from both “old” and new readers has been astounding and deeply, deeply moving.

When the events in LIFE’S THAT WAY were taking place, your daughter Maddie was two years old and was undergoing intense early intervention treatments for autism. How is Maddie doing now? When and how will you share your emails and book with her?

Maddie is doing wonderfully well now. She is currently going through some emotional issues that relate, I think, to her growing maturity and thus to her growing understanding of the meaning of the loss of her mother. It’s not an easy time for her. But she is in a mainstream school, and is a charming and social and bright, witty kid. She’s only 7 now, so it seems very early to share the substance of the book with her, though I don’t hide it. In fact, she picked it up the other day and asked if she could read it. I hesitated only a moment before saying yes. She read a couple of pages and then put it down in favor of a Junie B. Jones book. Eventually she will be old enough and mature enough to discover those events through the book and through the letters her mother left her. I can’t guess when that will be, but I suspect she will let me know when it’s time.

What advice do you have for people who are helping friends who are grieving?

Be present, but don’t try to “fix” their grief. Explaining why things aren’t so bad (“At least you still have your child” or “He’s in a better place”) or recommending “remedies” (“You just need to keep busy” or “Give it time”) do nothing but prolong and exacerbate pain. Don’t tell your friend “I know how you feel,” and don’t compare griefs (“I know it’s bad, because I lost my mom, too”). Everyone grieves individually, uniquely, and no matter how similar circumstances might seem, grieving people do not, as a rule, want to think their own grief is just like anybody else’s. For a time, it is singular and special and personal, and cannot be lightened by explanations or advice or comparisons. Just be present. Admit to not knowing what to say (no one knows what to say, not even the person grieving). Be there. Let it be known you are there and available. Listen. Don’t advise. Listen. If you don’t own a time machine and a cure for disease or age or misfortune, don’t presume to think you can fix someone’s grief. The greatest gift you can give is to be there, supportive, silent, and emotionally available.

In LIFE’S THAT WAY, you occasionally discuss your creative process and the outlets you find in acting and writing. Do you prefer one over the other? Why?

I much prefer acting to writing, simply because writing is hard, hard work, and acting, while I work hard at it, is fun. I love writing, don’t get me wrong. But it’s tough and I’m not well-disciplined, and I weary of the work far too quickly. What I found during the writing of these emails and their transcription into this book is that writing can be enormously cathartic and can provide a catalyst for deeper understanding of oneself. That was invaluable to me, and I recommend it, not just to people going through difficulty, but to anyone who wants to have a greater sense of self and of one’s place in the human community. But the emails were pure self-expression, and in a strange way, they were much easier than making up fiction. I still write and probably always will. But acting is and shall always remain, I suspect, my one great love.

Are there any plans for another book?

I have two books I was working on long before this one came to pass. I have been researching for many years, between acting jobs and personal speed bumps, a biography of 1950s TV Superman, George Reeves, and I dearly hope to see it finished. I also have part of a novel, a piece of crime fiction that I hope pushes the boundaries of the genre. And since Life’s That Way, I’ve had professional encouragement to attempt another sort of novel, and I am slowly piecing that possibility together in my mind. But filming a TV series involves pre-dawn to late-night workdays, and I don’t seem to get much done while I’m filming. So predicting a completion of any of these projects is an iffy proposition at best.

Special thanks to Jim Beaver for taking the time to answer our questions and Kate at Folio Literary Management for arranging the interview. Click here to read more about LIFE’S THAT WAY.

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Comments

No Responses to “Interview with Jim Beaver, author of Life’s That Way”

bermudaonion on June 10th, 2009 9:27 am

It was great working with you, Rebecca! Thanks for all your hard work on this.
rhapsodyinbooks on June 10th, 2009 9:53 am

I read this over at BermudaOnion’s blog. It’s a great interview! You all did a really nice job on the questions!
Jennie Nash on June 10th, 2009 7:39 pm

You guys did a great job. What a moving interview.
stacybuckeye on June 14th, 2009 11:25 am

I loved this interview. Great job, ladies!