In which I ponder parenthood

No Responses to “In which I ponder parenthood”

1. Laura on April 29th, 2009 10:02 am

   Rebecca, this is a fabulous post. Deciding whether to have children is a very personal one, that only you and your husband can make. You are doing the right thing simply by thinking this through. I met my husband at 19, married at 21, and was 30 and 33 when I had children. I’m 47 now. Looking back on my experience, I would not recommend marrying so young. We both evolved a great deal in our 20s and had some issues to work through. When it came to having kids, we felt strongly that we needed to be on firm footing both as a couple and financially. I have no regrets about having children in my 30s; by then we felt ready.

   Having children changed our relationship, but mostly in superficial ways. You have to be more intentional in carving out time to be a couple. But it’s also impossible to imagine the personal fulfillment that can come from being a parent, the intense love you can feel for a child, and how suddenly having your life revolve around this other being makes perfect sense. Trust me, it happens, like magic.

   You and your husband are really still newlyweds. Take time to develop your relationship as married adults. This is a critical prerequisite to having children, should you choose to do so.

2. Steve on April 29th, 2009 10:06 am

   First of all, you’re not alone.

   My wife and I are in our late 30s, happily married for nearly 14 years, and resolutely without children. We decided years ago — about the same time that everyone seems to think that it’s time to start thinking about having children (college > graduate school > good jobs > kids?) that it wasn’t something we wanted to do for a whole host of reasons.

   All of these reasons can be boiled down to three things:

   First, we’re grossly, egregiously happy with each other and don’t feel the need for a third, fourth, fifth, etc. person in the family to make it “complete” or whatever you want to call it.

   Second, we’re both introverted loners — and this is especially true in my case — who need a certain amount of quiet every day for reading, writing, contemplation, and other pursuits. This is simply not possible with children. It’s also, as it turns out, a very useful way to explain why we don’t want and aren’t going to have children to those people that see the absence of children as a lack instead of a freedom. When some recently mothered friend says “wouldn’t you like to have one too?” we answer with “I need 3 hours of silence daily.” She immediately realizes that there’s no such thing with children in the picture.

   Third, we prize conversation — especially about things other than children. Time and time again, conversation with people with children seems to focus entirely — or very nearly so — on the children. We’d rather talk about books, art, music, film, politics, or any other idea that seems worth pursuing.

   People say that they can’t imagine their lives without children. That seems a failure of imagination. We can imagine our lives with children and that’s why we’ve made the rational decision to not have them. Instead, we cultivate ourselves and perfect the art of being the favorite aunt and uncle to our many nieces and nephews.

3. Lezlie on April 29th, 2009 10:06 am

   I’m smiling. I’m 44 years old, and didn’t even bother with the getting married part of life until I was 39. I was born without a biological clock, and, despite my grandma’s occasional attempts to guilt me into it, I have no desire to have children. My pets are my babies and I leave the human child bearing to others. The world is massively overpopulated as it is, and I don’t need to add to the trouble of trying to accomodate all these people.

   I know you didn’t bring this up, but my views on these things (marriage, children) seriously affect my reading choices. I do not at all connect with “chick lit” or stories that revolve around being a mom. Like you, I am not a child-hater. I adore my niece and nephews, but I am missing that chip in my brain that causes me to desire any of my own.

   I could go on and on, but I guess what I really want to say is Amen, Sister!

   Lezlie

4. Melissa @ Melissa's Bookshelf on April 29th, 2009 11:15 am

   Rebecca, you are not alone! (As I’m sure you’ve already seen from the comments above.) Actually, it was rather creepy (in a good way) because as I was reading your post I felt like it could be ME writing it. I’m 28, my husband is 31, and right now kids are just not on the radar… for many of the same reasons you noted in your post.

   I can really related to you with the Facebook thing–I said pretty much the same thing to my husband the other day. I can’t believe how many people I know that are having babies. And I’m sorry to say, I don’t know that all of them should be. But I’ll leave it at that.

   So I wanted you to know that I really appreciate your post and it made me feel a lot better about the way my husband and I currently feel about having kids. Thank you!!

5. jill on April 29th, 2009 11:34 am

   I love, love that you addressed this issue.

   I’m almost 35, and I have been married for almost 7 years. We established early on in our relationship that we didn’t want to have children. For me, it’s just never been a desire or priority.

   When my first niece was born right before we were married, and I fell madly in love with her, everyone thought it would surely change my mind. I adore all three of my nieces, more than I ever dreamed I could, but I get to love them, spoil them…and take them home. Best of both worlds…

   It always amazes me, though, what strong opinions people have about our decision. After lots of thought, and wondering why they care, I have realized that my decision to not have kids is potentially threatening to people who have kids…they see it as a rejection of the life they have chosen, the choices they have made.

6. Shannon on April 29th, 2009 11:35 am

   Be easy on yourself. You’re only 26! Despite what some might tell you, you’ve got loads of time to make this decision. I had my son at 37, and yes, I am tired, but it was not the right time before. It’s totally okay to decide you don’t want kids or you only want one or you want to adopt or you’d rather have labrador retrievers. I don’t get why everyone else feels they have to weigh in on this very personal decision, but I am here to tell you that having a child will totally change your life and you will have to sacrifice a lot of your freedom. You will have a curfew, you will have to think about it before you go *anywhere* and it will always take 15-30 minutes just to get out of the house. And it’s expensive! And sometimes really frustrating! And you won’t get to read nearly as much as you used to, unless you count reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar for the 200th time. It will change everything about your life, and if you don’t feel ready for that or don’t want to change, you are being the mature one. Much more mature than people who have kids without much thought and then don’t make the sacrifices it takes.

   Don’t get me wrong. I find my son very rewarding and wouldn’t give him up for anything. I am totally enjoying this phase of my life. But I’m not going to have another one. Too tired! And I applaud you for thinking this through and for being totally honest with yourself and your husband. You may change your mind, you may not, but please don’t stress it and don’t let busybodies mess with your convictions.

7. Meghan on April 29th, 2009 11:40 am

   I suspect I am far too young to comment on this post, but I’m going to anyway. I’m 23 and I’m getting married in the fall; we’ve been together for nearly 5 years and we’d probably wait longer for marriage if we didn’t have immigration issues. We don’t doubt being together, but we think we might wait until we could afford a nicer wedding and a honeymoon. Anyway, I have noticed with a seriously alarming frequency the number of friends who not only marry people they’ve known for a very short amount of time but almost immediately start having children. And I am 23! These are people I went to high school and college with! In some cases these people are younger than me. As you said, I can’t imagine giving up not only my time with the man I love but also the next eighteen years or more of my life to a small, demanding, noisy child. I love kids, but I don’t want one now or any time soon. I’m young, that feeling might change, but I’m happy to know that people like you are out there who still feel the same as I do. It makes me feel better when my grandma and my mother tell me my feelings will change when I get older. They might, but I’m way too young right now and I just have no interest in having a child. My fiance is 4 years older but he agrees that we want to wait quite some time, possibly forever.

   Anyway, thank you for this post. You have made me feel a better about my own feelings in the midst of my many baby-obsessed friends.

8. Amy on April 29th, 2009 11:42 am

   I have kids, but I don’t for a second think everyone has to have them. The earlier poster is right–at 26, you’re still young enough that you might change your mind. And if you don’t, you don’t.

   I did post earlier about the Waldman post. My problem wasn’t with Waldman loving her husband more than her kids–it was with her publicizing it on a national scale. That’ll haunt those kids for years, especially her going so far as to say she wouldn’t care as much if they died as if her husband did. I think, plain and simple, those are things kids should not hear from their parents.

9. Mark on April 29th, 2009 11:48 am

   Hah! Jenney and I are the same way. Friends and family are constantly exploding with sproglets, yet we feel no particular urge to join them any time soon, despite society’s expectation that we should have long since turned into a baby factory.

   Our time will come. There’s no immediate rush.

10. Ti on April 29th, 2009 11:49 am

    You may never hear the ticking and in my world, that is perfectly okay. All I can share is my own experience.

    When I was in my early 20′s, I never wanted kids. I loved kids, but never saw me having them and did not think I would be a good mom. Somewhere around age 28 I started to think about it but still was not sure. When my husband voiced his feelings over maybe starting a family, I was terrified! Going off the pill after being on it for so long was enough to make me nervous. I never felt the tick per se, but it seemed right. So we had kid #1.

    Kid #1 was wonderful. Easy. Practically took care of himself. When he turned 5 and was about to start school… my clock started to tick. Yep! I was 34 and all of a sudden I wanted another baby! I was shocked.

    And guess what? She was the most difficult kid in the world and in a lot of ways still is, but it still feels right.

    There were moments though where I missed my younger days. Where I missed sleep, and the ability to do whatever I wanted without planning. Actually, I cried my eyes out several times over it because my body was not young and the lack of sleep was taking its toll, but now that she is 5 and independent.. we are doing the spontaneous stuff again, but as a family.

    I have to be honest with you, when I read your Sunday Salon posts about lounging all day in jammies, I am GREEN with envy. In my head, I have said more than once.. that girl has it made. And you do.

    So for now, if you are happy with it being just the two of you then be happy! As you said, things may change later and literally could change overnight, but for now, just enjoy what you have. There is no wrong or right.

    That’s how I feel anyway. I am very happy with my family now that I am sleeping and things have eased up a bit but in hindsight, I may have chosen to have them closer together as the 5 year gap is a problem at times.

11. Devourer of Books on April 29th, 2009 11:53 am

    My husband and I knew we wanted to have kids sooner rather than later because that is what was right for us. I always loved that my parents were on the younger side (not too young – they were 24 and 25 when they had me, but younger than many friend’s parents). In addition, I knew I wanted to still have some good years left with my husband, when we would both (hopefully) be in good health and could travel,etc. after our children are grown. It was also important to me to have my parents and my husband’s parents around for our kids as long as possible, which also indicated having kids earlier.

    However, that’s only what is right for us. It doesn’t have to be right for you or anyone else. Maybe you’ll want to have kids when you’re 30 or 35, maybe you’ll adopt a kid when you’re 45, maybe you won’t have kids at all and will delight in your nieces and nephews. As long as you are making the decision that is right for you, nobody should be trying to make you feel bad about it. I personally don’t think that you and your husband are lacking anything by not having a child, but I I would be lacking something if we didn’t have a baby. Whether it is the biological clock or something else, what is right for one person may not be right for another, and I commend you not giving into any societal pressure to have a baby you’re not ready for.

12. nicole on April 29th, 2009 11:55 am

    I’m a lot like Steve–introverted, loner, need at least three hours of silence a day…and my partner is too. We’re not married and may never be, but we’ve been together for five years now and have been through an awful lot, like you say, of just growing together. And a child would feel like an intruder.

    I used to feel the biological clock, say, when I was about 19-21 or so. I knew I didn’t want kids right then, but I sure wanted them, especially when I saw a baby. But suddenly that just evaporated and now I have zero desire for any of it.

    I do have some unusual reasons for it. I am a bit of a child-hater and find it a little gross to think of a stranger being that physically close to me. I also don’t really see the value in children and have a few ethical issues with the whole thing.

    And Facebook has been freaking me out about it too. You gotta just ignore it.

13. rhapsodyinbooks on April 29th, 2009 12:35 pm

    I am in a perhaps different situation because I am unable to have kids. So it eliminates the decision making. But it doesn’t matter what the reason is; there is still a great deal of discrimination I experience for not having children. And I’m also in the process of reading Waldman’s book. I think basically she’s drawing a distinction between loving and being IN love, and also pointing out that kids come and go, but it’s important to have a really good bond with the person who will be there before, during, and after. I agree with you, people can be happy in all sorts of situations. I think it would be nice if people did not discriminate against other people for their own personal choices, but it seems inevitable, especially when it comes to marriage and children.

14. Florinda on April 29th, 2009 12:57 pm

    I was married to my college boyfriend and had a six-year-old when I was your age (I’m 45 now). Motherhood at 20 was NOT how I had envisioned my life – it wasn’t planned. Even in high school, I was pretty sure I wanted a child, someday – just one! – but I had always thought I’d be closer to my 30′s when it happened. For the most part, things actually worked out pretty well, but my biological clock totally shut off, and I never had any desire for more kids.

    I’m no longer married to my son’s father, and I still wonder sometimes how differently our relationship might have gone had we not become parents so young – or if we’d have even stayed together as long as we did if we WEREN’T parents. I fully believe that kids change a couple’s relationship – it becomes less about the couple.

    My second husband has two children who live with us part time (like Ti’s kids, they’re five years apart in age, and she’s right about that span being a challenge sometimes!); we are absolutely NOT having children together. It’s partly because we don’t want to start over with babies in our mid-forties, but it’s also for some of the reasons you mentioned. We have the kids part time; when they’re not with us, our time is truly ours. We can spend it with each other, or even doing our own separate things, without having to address the kids’ needs or adapt to what they want. We have a rather nice mix, actually.

    You may change your mind in a year or two, or five, or ten – or you may not. It’s no one’s decision but yours and your husband’s.

    This is an excellent post and a great discussion.

15. Chris@bookarama on April 29th, 2009 1:11 pm

    I think everyone is different. Your clock might be slow or maybe you’ll never feel that. As long as both partners feel the same way and have a good conversation about it then it’s nobody else’s business.

    I had one child and would have liked more but you don’t always get what you want. (Being on the trying but not getting end is super hard). Now my clock is winding down and I’m feeling that I might like to do other things now. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have another and it makes me tired. There is a lot of guilt and grief from others (and sometimes myself) about having one child, but I don’t have control over the universe. My husband and I are talking about ending our ‘child bearing years’ as we don’t want any surprises 10 yrs down the road. I’m not sure how our families will react but that’s a decision between us.

16. suziqoregon on April 29th, 2009 1:14 pm

    First and foremost – there’s nothing wrong with you or your husband. Choosing to not have children is a private decision for every couple.

    The Hubster and I married when we were in our mid-30′s. It was a second marriage for me and I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I never had kids with my first husband – if I had he would have been a part of my life forever, but because we didn’t have kids it’s a closed book for me.

    Nevertheless, when we got married, both The Hubster and I had the expectation that we would probably have kids. Initially it was a decision we kept delaying, but eventually a decision delayed became a decision made. We decided early on in our marriage that we would not have kids unless I would be able to stay home with them for the first few years. That became a lifestyle choice – did we want to give up the things that my income allowed us in order to have kids? Eventually it was a matter of us not wanting to be new parents in our 40′s.

    I can echo Steve’s three things that their reasons boiled down to.

    One day when we were discussing whether we had regrets, The Hubster said the best thing I could have heard. He told me “I don’t think of our family as incomplete” and I wholeheartedly agree with him. Our cats are as close as we get to kids and that works great for us.

    Now, when people ask if we have kids we usually laugh it off. My response is “I married a large child” and he usually raises his hand and says “I’m the kid in our house”.

    Kids or not is something you and your husband will decide together. You have many years to make that decision and what you feel today may or may not be the way you feel about it later. Just keep loving each other and make the decision that’s right for you.

17. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 29th, 2009 1:19 pm

    Thanks so much for all of the great insights and for sharing your experiences with me, everyone! Understanding the concept that everyone is different and that people have all kinds of reasons for having kids and for not having them is one thing; getting to read these thoughts from actual people is entirely another and it is so validating. I wrote this post with the desire to express thoughts I’ve been wrestling with lately, and I’m coming away with so much more. Keep it comin’!

18. Care on April 29th, 2009 1:42 pm

    Such a fun topic! I’ve been married 20+ years; no kids, one dog, two boats is now my tag line. You are NOT alone and happy marriages do exist w/o kids and it’s personal private decision. I don’t have any plans to add a child ‘someday’ and no regrets. I only read the post and have to run – I want to read all these comments, too. I’ll be back.

19. Jena on April 29th, 2009 2:16 pm

    My husband & I have been together since 2005 (though much of our early time was long-distance), and we’ve been married a year. I used to say that I didn’t want kids, that I was too selfish to be a good mom, that I just didn’t want that responsibility. I planned to be the really fun aunt who let the nieces & nephews jump on the bed. Except that my niece is 4000 miles away, and the nieces & nephew on my husband’s side probably don’t even know that their uncle got married over a year ago (his family, they’re not so close).

    I’ve changed my mind–kind of. I would welcome children, but I’m very happy with life as it is right now, too. We decided to stop my birth control a few months ago and let nature do its thing; it’s great if I get pregnant, and also great if I don’t. We’ll do our best to be happy either way.

20. Bridget on April 29th, 2009 3:58 pm

    Please do not ever let anyone pressure you into having children – there are too many children in the world without love in their lives as it is!

    My husband and I have been married for 30 years, and we have no children. Like you, we have lots of nieces and nephews, as well as great-nieces and nephews. But the fact that WE don’t have children makes most people think there is a problem – usually they ask us how it feels to be so self-involved.

    Once I asked one of the questioners if having kids might not be self-involved, since there are so many adoptable children, but people want biological children. (I don’t care one way or the other, but it seemed a reasonable response.) Isn’t wanting your own “immortality” self-involved? She lashed out, responding that only someone so selfish would ask such a thing.

    Oddly, my husband has NEVER been asked by any of his acquaintances if we have kids, or why we don’t. Just saying.

21. Lorin on April 29th, 2009 5:19 pm

    You’re right, no one should have kids because of society’s ideal or family pressure. I want to point out, though, that life is funny and the plans we make for our own lives are meant to be changed, as they’ve changed for you already.

    On the opposite end, my good friend (who is in her 40s) always swore up and down she would never be a mom. She loved her nephews but never had a maternal instinct. Then she fell in love and married a man with 2 little ones. They may not have come out of her body, but she is a mom to them and loves it.

    I’m not telling you to have kids or not. Be open to life’s quirks, that’s all. Just my 2 cents.

22. alirambles on April 29th, 2009 6:45 pm

    This is a great post and yes, it’s normal not to want children when you’re 26 (or ever, but luckily you don’t have to make a forever plan right now!). I married my husband at 25 knowing I wanted kids someday but feeling nowhere near ready. At 28 I started wondering if I might never feel “ready.” When I told a friend of mine, mom of 2, how I was always relieved to say goodbye to other people’s kids, she simply said, “Other people’s kids drive me nuts! It’s different when they’re yours.” And she was so right. I’m never relieved to say goodbye to my boys–though there are plenty of nights when I’m past ready to say “goodnight!”

    On the other hand, I have friends who’ve chosen to remain childless and now, in their 40s, are entering a whole new phase of their life–which still doesn’t involve children. They’re very happy. Their dog drives me nuts, though.

23. crbh on April 29th, 2009 11:09 pm

    The Hubby and I have been happily hitched for 33 years now and we have two grown daughters. I was of the era though that you got married and had kids, girls did not necessarily go to college (small town). I wanted children really bad but The Hubby wanted to wait till we were much older (I was 23 when the first was born). I’m glad now we had them at a younger age because we are still young, they are gone and we are having fun. Our girls don’t really want children and they may not. I was upset by that for awhile but you know what, I’m okay with that. I’m kind of liking this new life The Hubby and I are enjoying. I never thought I would change the way it worked out with our kids but I do kind of envy my girls their thoughts and beliefs and choices.

24. Amy @ My Friend Amy on April 29th, 2009 11:38 pm

    Rebecca friend…if you think it’s bad being married and people pressuring you to have kids, just imagine being single. Seriously, like 95% of the time I like my life the way it is. But clearly I cannot be happy or fulfilled because I’m not married. The other day when one of my students told me I needed to find a man to be happy and have children, I told her I wasn’t sure I really wanted kids even, to which she responded(sort of shouting), “you’re selfish!”

    Well yes, I guess I am.

25. S. Krishna on April 29th, 2009 11:45 pm

    I loved this post. I am 25 as well, and have no desire to have children. I assume that I will want them at some point down the road, but neither of us want to even think of that discussion until I am 30. So you’re not alone! Thanks for writing this though. Sometimes I feel weird, like I’m the only one who’s not really in a hurry to have children.

26. Violet on April 30th, 2009 2:03 am

    I don’t think you are wrong. I feel the exact same way you do, I am 27 and I am not even married yet.

    My dad told me a very important thing the other day. He said whatever happens husband and wife always think of each other first before their children. Children grow up and have their own life. But the person who is always there for you is your spouse.

27. osarah on April 30th, 2009 6:58 am

    Living in a military community, we’re definitely the outsiders because we don’t have kids and aren’t planning on having kids. It’s crazy how many kids are running around here, and I know very few couples without kids.

    John and I would love to have a baby now and at the same time don’t want one yet. For one, we can’t provide for a child like we would like (I know we’ll never have “enough” money, but we really don’t have enough right now for me to be comfortable for the two of us). Also, like you, I enjoy sleeping in, eating whatever crazy dinner we want, being able to pick up and leave for the weekend without a lot of planning (except for finding a place for Béni), etc. Honestly, having our dog has made me realize how much we are NOT ready for kids yet.

    Unless God has another plan for us, we want to wait to have kids until we’re out of the Army, living back in the States are both have reliable jobs. On the one hand, I HATE that, because I don’t want to be forced into having kids right after one another because of getting too old, but on the other hand, the thought of being prepared with all the aforementioned things makes me feel secure.

    In writing this, however, I realized that for me, it doesn’t matter when we have kids. I want them. I am certainly enjoying my time alone with my husband, but whenever we are blessed with kids, I’ll be happy. (And I’m not going to lie, sometimes I freak out and think I won’t be able to have kids at all.)

28. Amy on April 30th, 2009 8:26 am

    Love the post, and love the comments. Being only 23 and single I suppose things could very well change, but even when I was younger I never wanted kids. While my family is ok with this (I guess they just assume that it will pass) my friends are always telling me how crazy I am and that it will definitely change. And, of course, how selfish it is not to want kids. To me though, this is not selfishness but rather, being responsible.

    Bridget – I have also tried the line that it is more selfish to have kids of your own when there are so many who need good homes. I also add in that there is excess supply, so why increase it? The response to that is always eye-rolling and some comment about business degrees being useless.

    I am also shocked by news on facebook about friends having kids, or even scarier, my little sister’s friends having kids!

29. Nicole on April 30th, 2009 9:03 am

    Before this post, I had only known Ayelet Waldman as a vaguely familiar “married to someone famous” name. Interestingly, as a second grade teacher about to get married, many of my colleagues just assume that I’m going to have kids shortly. I adore children, but I also work with them all day. I have seen the ramifications in many children and their families when parents have kids because they feel like they are “supposed to”. It just doesn’t work.

    Additionally, I totally agree with you about not wanting to share. During my work day, my attention is divided between 21 adoring eight year olds, to whom I act as a teacher, therapist, school nurse, and in some cases, surrogate mother. Going from this type of work day to a home in which I am completely doted upon, and can dote freely, by/on my fabulous fiancee is something I am not willing to give up right now. I’m simply not interested in sharing. At all. Secretly, I worry that someday when/if we choose to have kids that I won’t be the focus anymore- that I might not be the primary love. I get scared- what if his orbit shifts to the kids first and mine stays as it is now? Tough questions, and as you say, ones that aren’t discussed. It’s interesting that for as much as we’ve progressed, our society (one that thrives on excess) sends the more, more, more message even when it comes to families- a husband is great, but a husband and kids is better. A husband, kids and a dog is ideal. Thanks for bringing up a discussion that lets both sides be heard.

30. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 30th, 2009 9:15 am

    I hear that, Amy! My little sister is 2 years younger, and one of her friends already has 2 children. I can’t even think about it!

31. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 30th, 2009 9:16 am

    Violet, I think that the last part of your comment might be what Waldman was really trying to get at. If you do your job as a parent properly, your children are going to grow up and have lives of their own. The relationship with your partner needs to remain strong throughout because that’s who you’re going to be with at the end of the day.

32. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 30th, 2009 9:17 am

    Oh, you are not alone! “Not in a hurry” has been the theme of our relationship, and I’m happy to apply that to children as well. It could happen, but it’s going to be a while.

33. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 30th, 2009 9:19 am

    I can imagine how frustrating and maddening that must be, Amy. One of my best friends is 32 and single, and she got so fed up with dating last year that she has declared a dating moratorium for 2009. She’s very happy with it, but the pressure she’s getting from friends and family to hurry up and find someone to make babies with is unbelievable. I think hubby and I would be getting more of it if his parents didn’t already have 8 grandkids.

    And so what if you’re selfish? Isn’t it better to embrace it while we’re young rather than have kids too early and try to fit in time for ourselves in there? I’d rather be selfish and childless than have two kids I resent.

34. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 30th, 2009 9:20 am

    My parents were 30 when I was born (but they’d been together since they were 16) and, like you and your hubby, they are now loving their recently emptied nest. Thanks for the reminder that there will be alone time again in the future.

35. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 30th, 2009 9:22 am

    “I planned to be the really fun aunt…”

    That is EXACTLY the plan hubby and I are on. We call it the “cool aunt and uncle plan.” And I’m always surprised when people who have kids tell us how smart we are for just enjoying other people’s kids instead of having our own.

36. rhapsodyinbooks on April 30th, 2009 10:01 am

    Oh but that can be a problem too. My sisters ASSUME that because I *don’t* have kids, that ipso facto I have no life and therefore infinite time to “help out in a jam” (which one has all the time with kids) and drop my life and come babysit. (And by “baby sit” I mean, oh, can you drop your life and come for two weeks until the au pair can start?) It’s an interesting dynamic!

37. Rebecca @ The Book Lady's Blog on April 30th, 2009 11:18 am

    Ooooh, I can see how that could be completely maddening. Hubby and I are lucky that none of his brothers take advantage of our singleness. We offer to babysit occasionally and love the quality time when we’re all together, but no one has asked anything unreasonable of us, at least not yet.

38. Melissa - Shhh I'm Reading on April 30th, 2009 12:54 pm

    Being the cool aunt is great! I have an aunt who never had kids and never wanted to and she is soooo much fun.

    On the other hand, you are 26. There is still lots of time for kids. At 26, kids were discussed and the idea totally freaked me out. Now, at 31, my clock is ticking! You just never know…

    The most important part for me, is knowing that my relationship with hubby is rock solid. Without that, I wouldn’t even be thinking about kids.

39. beastmomma on April 30th, 2009 1:00 pm

    I, too, really enjoyed the post. I have been thinking a lot about having children lately. In about 56 (1) days, I am getting married and then moving to a new state where my partner has a job. We are both in our thirties and people keep telling us we need to have kids sooner rather than later. I want us to have more time as a couple before we become parents, but what if I am never ready? I think that will be okay too. One thing I am learning with relationships is that figuring out timing can be so challenging.

40. Amanda on April 30th, 2009 1:05 pm

    Wow. You sound a lot like me. We live in New York City and right now can not afford to have kids. And having a kid here would freak me out. I don’t know how people do it. I’m only 28 and was married in 2007. I dated my husband though since I was just shy of 23 so we’ve been together for a while. He already had a puppy when we met but I got one a few years later…and boy does it make you think about kids….about waiting to have them. I went into marriage being honest with my husband stating beforehand that kids were something I would want in the future. And he’s ok with that. So we are waiting for our thirties sometime to have them which is totally fine with me. But sometimes I too freak out that I might not be able to have them. But it will all be in God’s hands and I have to trust that.

41. Lorin on April 30th, 2009 2:16 pm

    From my friends who have kids, I’ve learned that there is no such thing as good timing. Even when you think you are ready, you’re not quite prepared. But if you think you’re not ready, when the kid(s) show up, turns out you’re ready because you have to be.

    I’m sorry to be a stick in the mud, but I’ve just got to say: if you think there’s even a chance you’ll want to have kids, do it sooner rather than later. I didn’t get married until I was 30 so I really wasn’t ready any younger. But if you are in a place to try in your 20′s, you should think about it. Because now I’m facing some very expensive treatment that my insurance may or may not cover or the time and expense of adoption if I want to have kids. I don’t know if it would have been easier when I was younger but at least I would have had more time to try.

    Again, just my 2 cents.

42. Megan on May 1st, 2009 10:18 am

    As I’m 23 and single, I can’t really propel myself into this debate too heavily, but I would like to say how absolutely crazy it makes me to see all of my friends, former classmates and even my younger sister’s friends getting engaged, having children, getting married, moving around the world — all via Facebook.

    Since ending a long relationship last month, I realized with painful clarity how Facebook takes these major life events and basically… belittles them. At least, to me! I mean, breaking up with my boyfriend of three years was announced with a little “broken heart” icon? Really? And now I have to sit and feel totally insecure about my life and question my decisions because practically everyone I know in the post-college world is in a committed relationship, engaged, married or pregnant. And I am definitely none of these things.

    I know this is totally a separate post… but it feels good to type it all out Kudos to you, Rebecca, for being so honest — and I read (and cringed) a little at Waldman’s post. But I don’t think it’s completely insane… having been in an all-consuming, heart-wrenching and really nuts love affair, I can only imagine that if that lasted — that if you met someone you loved more than anyone, someone you couldn’t live without — you’d want to hold that close to your heart forever, as unchanged as possible. I think?

43. stacybuckeye on May 1st, 2009 1:38 pm

    Wow! What a response! I am 37, been married 10 years to my best friend, and we are without children. We decided to put off trying to have kids until we both felt like we wanted them (not just felt like we should) and here we are, childless and happy. I have to admit this is the first year I’ve felt the clock ticking (obviously I’m slower than most!). If we don’t end up having kids, we are okay with that. But society does place a certain value on families and while I don’t think that is bad, it does make it easier for people to under value the childless.
    You are 26 and you have plenty of time, whatever you decide to do. Great post! I applaud your honesty.

44. Jessica Coleman on May 1st, 2009 4:59 pm

    Are you starting to get the idea that you’re not alone?

    It occurred to me when I was about 19 that having kids was an option, rather than an inevitability. I’ve never been particularly interested in children. My fiance is 41. I asked him if he had ever wanted to have a second child, and he said, “No! I’m almost out of the woods – she’s going to graduate in four years!”

    I’ve heard the argument that it’s “selfish” to remain child-free. I’ve even been told that it’s my “responsibility” as an intelligent person to spread my gene pool, which strikes me as a bit fascist. In my secret heart I think it’s often “selfish” to breed – to insist on baby showers, to carry one’s shrieking hellions into restaurants, libraries, bookstores, and airplanes, and generally subject others to the misbehavior of one’s unsupervised and undisciplined brats. It’s time those who value peace and harmony to speak out and say, “Look, if you think you’re entitled to have children, the burden of proof is on *you.*”

45. softdrink on May 1st, 2009 8:26 pm

    I’m 40 and have no regrets about having children. I’ve always said I’m too selfish…I enjoy doing my own thing too much. As much as I love Hamburger, I love having my own time and interests, too. And he’s the same way. But it took years for our friends (not our family, they understood) to come to grips with the fact that we just aren’t interested in kids. There is nothing more frustrating than other people telling you you aren’t complete, or you don’t understand, or blah, blah, blah.

    So hurray for stating your opinion. This is a fantastic post.

46. Claire on May 1st, 2009 8:50 pm

    Aww sweetie. Its all okay. I’m 29 and have been with my husband for 9 years. We have been a committed absolutely not having kids couple forever. There’s nothing wrong with being a couple with no kids. I must admit though that your post hit me at a strange time. Something’s clicked in my life where I think it wouldn’t be so bad to raise a little one with my sweetie. If it doesn’t happen, I’m okay with that, but the possibility is more okay with me. Just leave yourself open to be okay with your choices (no matter what anyone else things) and to leave yourselves a little room just in case (as slight as the chance may be) that you change your minds.

47. Alyce on May 2nd, 2009 1:57 am

    My husband and I agreed when we were dating that we did want to have kids, but we didn’t settle on a number. I had rose colored glasses and thought that having kids would be “so much fun.” My husband was more practical and wanted to wait for a few years so that we could enjoy our time together. He was so wise.

    We waited four years before we had kids, and those years are full of wonderful memories of times with just the two of us.

    Originally I wanted to have six kids, but then after having two of them and realizing how much work is involved, and what a toll it takes on your body to have kids, I decided two was the perfect number.

    The funny thing is that I never understood how couples could not want to have kids until after I had kids myself. I think that may have come out wrong! I love my kids to pieces. They make me so happy, but they completely and totally change your life. Once I saw that change in my own life I didn’t want to go back to my old life without kids, but I had one of those “aha” moments where I finally got why some people don’t want to have kids. Hopefully this is making some sense. It’s pretty late here, and I’m kind of sleepy.

    That was my round about way of saying that there’s no reason anyone should feel guilty if they don’t want to have kids, and hopefully the people around you will be supportive if that’s what you choose. Then again there are some people out there who were like I used to be – just not able to understand where you’re coming from at this point in your life. And I really don’t think they even know that they’re being annoying (because I surely didn’t).

48. Beth on May 2nd, 2009 8:02 am

    It seems that you and I have quite a bit in common, including “I work for a big box bookstore” and “at 26 I was totally not ready to have kids.”

    That being said, I’m 28 and sitting at home, having just started my maternity leave and waiting oh-so-impatiently for the wiggling creature in my belly to finally make his appearance into the world. My husband and I have known each other for nearly 10 years, and in those 10 years, our relationship has gone through a number of different incarnations, from casually dating to being best friends to seriously dating to not speaking at all. Through it all, we learned a lot about each other and ourselves. That being said, once we finally settled in as a couple, we spent the next five years learning about “us” and completely dedicated to “us,” even spending two of those years living and teaching English to high school students overseas (and trust me, there’s nothing like being in a small country town in a foreign country to really give you time to get to know your partner).

    Over the course of our relationship, our feelings about having kids and our decision to not have/have kids is something we unfortunately had to discuss more frequently than we would have liked. My sister-in-law, who had her first child at age 22, constantly pestered us about when we would start (even at times when we were dating other people!). While living overseas was an incredible experience, the cultural expectations of the small town where I lived meant that nearly everyone was SHOCKED when I told them that my husband and I didn’t have children and didn’t have immediate plans to have them. My co-workers, my students, and my friends would regularly press to try to understand why I didn’t already have at least one child. The language barrier was often challenging, as my reasons were pretty much the same as yours, and when your vocabulary is limited to what you need to know in the classroom, it’s a bit hard to explain. My students were the most persistent, since they were a little unsure of the boundaries of social propriety and had all the subtlety of a pack of sledgehammers. At one point most of the girls’ basketball team thought I really was pregnant, and one soon-to-be graduate told me that I needed to have kids soon because otherwise I would be “old and ugly” when my kids were graduating from high school (which I guess I should have taken to mean that he didn’t think I was “old and ugly” at the time).

    In the end, it was finally having time to ourselves to sort out our feelings that brought us to the decision to let nature take its course. We weren’t TRYING to have kids, but we weren’t trying to not to either. There was no clock ticking, no desperation, no late nights reading fertility books, trying to figure out the best time of month or how to increase your odds. Had we known what the economy was going to do, we might have even changed our minds.

    Am I afraid that I won’t have the time to spend with my husband that I once had? Yes. Am I right? Most definitely. Have we taken time to discuss those fears and commit ourselves to not losing “us” when our “+1″ arrives? Absolutely. Do I think we made the right decision for us? After spending years as the cool aunt and uncle and watching my husband prepare for our new arrival (much the way a child prepares for Santa Claus- by decorating and redecorating with unbridled joy and giggling at the mere mention of the due date), I can say things are the way that they ought to be. Do I think that we would have been just as happy in 10 years if we weren’t about to bring a child into this world? No doubt about it.

    Make the decision about what feels right for you and your husband. Enjoy life, freedom, and your dogs. Be spontaneous, travel, and eat cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Be clear with the people that are important to you that at the moment, kids are not something you’re considering (and that you’d really appreciate it if they’d respect your decision, if that’s an issue). If at any point in the future, you change your mind, don’t be embarrassed. If you don’t change your mind, don’t be embarrassed. Be you and be happy.

    Eek. I wrote a lot. Blame it on the massive amount of hormones in my system.

    PS and off topic- LOVE LOVE LOVE Adventures in Bookselling. It often amazes me what people will ask for. And what will offend them if you can’t figure it out.

49. The Sunday Salon 5.3.09 and April Reading Wrap-Up « The Book Lady’s Blog on May 3rd, 2009 2:50 pm

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50. Michelle on May 4th, 2009 4:07 pm

    Oh I wish I had the time to read the comments on this post. I find it fascinating. Someone must have mentioned already that the average age for first time mothers is now 35?

    I had my first child at 23. I’d been married for 5 years by that time and had my second child 2 years later. In some ways I think ‘Hey, I’m 26 now, by the time my youngest is 18, I’ll be… 43. 43 is still young to be an empty nester and think of all the cool things I’d do’ and also I think maybe we should have waited, spent more time between the two of us. It just felt right for us though.

    I think everyone’s different. A friend of mine just had her second child at 44 and I think ‘man, she must be TIRED’

51. Anon on May 7th, 2009 11:24 am

    My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have been together for 9. Like you, we’ve matured and grown up into adulthood together. I’ve enjoyed this time together, but I also feel we’re ready to add to the family. We both come from very solid families and have always wanted children. I, personally, have always known I wanted to be a mother. I never had a phase where I didn’t. And I’m selfish and love my alone time and sleeping in and all of that … but none of that makes a difference to me in the grand scheme of things. None of that makes for a fulfilling life for me.

    We’ve been trying to have a baby for over a year with no luck. I’ve come to see that having a baby, is a miracle. And a blessing. And those that can do it easily and readily do not fully appreciate how blessed they are and have been.

52. Book Review: Two is Enough by Laura S. Scott « The Book Lady’s Blog on November 24th, 2009 12:03 am

    [...] husband and I are seriously considering not having children, and I’m here to tell you (as I told Trish and Swapna on Twitter this weekend) that I believe [...]

53. Review: No Kids by Corinne Maier « Amy Reads on March 20th, 2010 4:04 pm

    [...] acceptable in our society NOT to want to have them? Rebecca at The Book Lady’s Blog wrote a great post about this subject about a year ago. Because of that, when I saw this short, humorous book in the sale bin I had to [...]

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