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Apr
10
The Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Question! (Adventures in Bookselling, v. 14)
2009 at 7am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
Today’s installment comes to us courtesy of my coworker Mark. Many of the stories I share in this series are from his experiences, as he seems to attract the crazies like no one else can. I usually just relay the events through my own filter of snarkitude, but this one was such a classic that I asked him to write it up. Sure, he took forever to do it, but man, he did a good job.
Without further ado, I give you Mark and the amazing question we never thought we’d be asked.
___________________________________________________
So what, exactly, is literature?
Ah, a question for the ages. How do we define literature? A language in which the various elements and components of the text are brought into a complex relation? Do we treat literature as an aesthetic object or as an intertextual self-reflexive construct? Many esteemed literary theorists — including the likes of Barthes, Lacan and Dubois — have devoted a lifetime to discovering an answer to this question.
Also, my second customer one Wednesday afternoon.
My customer interactions during the first five minutes of any given day prove to be a very reliable litmus test of the inquiries I’ll be entertaining for the remainder of my shift. Actually, customer behavior in the parking lot outside our store is an even more reliable test, given the oddities that occur out there, but more about those another day. I’m pretty sure our book store is the retail equivalent of Sunnydale in the Buffyverse, having been built on top of some sort of dimensional rift. Whenever something emerges, its first order of business is to ask us about a book.
All that being said, I’m surprised I didn’t hide under a table for the rest of the day after dealing with my second customer. (My first customer was a guy who, without a hint of irony, claimed that he couldn’t find his mojo. Turned out a colleague had found a copy of the music magazine Mojo for him in the newsstand, but they’d kind of lost sight of one another.) Anyway, the phone’s ringing. Let’s answer it.
Me: Thank you for holding, this is Mark speaking.
Customer: Yes, I’m looking for Spanish books.
I relaxed a little. Nothing out of the ordinary. No immediate hint of crazy.
Me: Okay, are you looking for books written in Spanish or books that teach you Spanish?
Customer: Erm… (sounds of intense thinking) What’s the difference?
Oh-oh. The needle on the crazyometer began to twitch. I thought my options were self-explanatory, but expanded definitions were obviously required.
Me: Well, there are many books out there translated into Spanish for people who already speak the language. We have plenty of those in stock. Then there are books that are aimed at people learning to speak Spanish. We have plenty of those in stock too.
Customer: Oh, well books written in Spanish then.
Me: Okay, is there a specific book you’re looking for?
Customer: Not really. Which ones have you got?
I was half tempted to take the customer at their word, walk over to the Spanish books section and begin reading off the titles of the hundreds of books we had in stock (and, believe me, I’ve had customer who’ve requested I do just that), but I managed to restrain myself.
Me: We have hundreds in stock and that’s just a small fraction of what’s available. If you’re not sure what you want, it’s best to come into the store or visit our web site.
Customer: Haven’t you just got Spanish literature books?
Me: Yes, we have those.
Customer: Which ones do you have?
Restraint… fading…
Me: Like I said, we have a pretty wide selection of best sellers and classics.
Customer: Will they tell me about Spanish literature?
Well, yes, but only in the same sense that an orange, when bitten into, will inform you of its orangicity.
Me: Okay, are you looking for actual books written in Spanish or do you want a book about Spanish literature?
Customer: What’s the difference?
I must admit to getting a little distracted at this point. Your resident Book Lady happened to be around, incredulously amused by my half of the conversation. I also had a bunch of muppets dancing around in my head, singing the “one of these things is not like the other” song.
Me: (sigh) Well, blah, explains the difference, etc.
Customer: Just a beginner’s guide to Spanish literature.
Okay, now we’re getting down to business! Hopefully.
Me: (checks) Okay, we don’t really have anything in stock but there are plenty we could order in for you.
Customer: Okay, can you order one for me?
The thing about books is that it’s not really the same thing as picking a random dessert off the fruit cart. Where chocolate, fruit and cream are involved, you can be pretty sure that your random pick will go some way satisfying your appetite. When it comes to books about Spanish literature, however, the same logic doesn’t necessarily apply.
Me: Well, there’s dozens of books on the subject, ranging from basic introductions to more detailed textbooks.
Customer: I need a beginner’s guide! Can you order one for me? What’s the cheapest one?
Here’s where fruit cart logic and introductory texts to Spanish literature agree. Cheaper isn’t always better.
Me: Well, there’s one called “An Introduction to Spanish Literature” that’s about fifteen dollars, but it’s probably best if you…
Customer: Okay, I’ll order that one.
Bon appetit!
Me: (takes details) Anything else I can help you with?
Customer: Erm, well… So what, exactly, is literature?
Me: …
Paging Barthes to the information desk!
After a few seconds of stunned silence, I hastily put together an explanation using words with as few syllables as possible.
Me: Well, literature can be novels, poetry, essays or pretty much any written work with some artistic, cultural or social value.
Customer: Oh, cool.
And with that, her book was ordered and she disappeared back into the rift.
I relayed my experience to the Book Lady, our ensuing laughter attracting the attention of our store manager, who approached the information desk with her trademark arched eyebrow. “Someone just asked Mark what literature was,” the Book Lady said. Our manager, who is no stranger to expressing her opinion on the most bewildering of customer encounters, simply looked flabbergasted, slowly shook her head and wandered off in stunned silence.
Ten minutes of the shift down. Seven hours and fifty minutes to go. All aboard the fruit cart. Toot-toot!
Oh my. Isn’t working in a job that involves dealing with the general public fun. Dealing with customers like this over the phone just adds that extra element of surrealism.
I used to be a medical receptionist and my favourite phone call went something like:
Patient: Can I make an appointment for tomorrow?
Me: How about 11am.
Patient: But can it be a morning appointment.
Me: Yes. I can give you an appointment at 11am.
Patient: So that’s before lunch.
Me: Yes.
Patient: So when do I come in?
Me: 11 o’clock.
Patient: In the morning?
… and so it continued for about 10 more minutes.
Oh my word! That’s too funny, but I’d go batty if I had to deal with people like that on a regular basis.
–Anna
LOL….I loved this guest post…hilarious! Wow, what is literature! Thanks for sharing this.
Was he also asked ‘What is the meaning of life’? Good grief, what do people expect to get from a phone call?!
Yay! Mark is such a good writer!
I kind of miss working at the bookstore with you guys– I always had the best stories!!
You guys are much too patient. I work for a university and we get misdirected calls from students all the time and if they even hem and haw for a second, their call is suddenly disconnected. Poof! I expect college students to at least be able to voice what the heck it is that they want.
I guess I would not do well working in your store. LOL.
More from Mark please!! He’s a rock star.
My mind boggles. What was she doing that she needed a book on Spanish lit without actually know what literature even is? Of course, I immediately assume she was a student of some sort who hasn’t been paying attention in class!
What a fun story!!! People are crazy aren’t they?!!!
Haha! What a great guest post, thanks so much for sharing your adventures in bookland. Luckily most of my customers know roughly what they’re looking for, although I do have a few regulars who have the most absurd questions
[...] Book Lady’s Blog has another great edition of “Adventures in Bookselling.” This week’s question – So what, exactly, is literature? [from The Book Lady's [...]
[...] The Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Question! (Adventures in Bookselling, v. 14) [...]
It cracks me up that the gal didn’t know if the books should be written in Spanish or not…How is it possible not to know if you can read the language!
Great post and well worth the wait! Love the fruit cart metaphor.
I used to work in a public library. I was just a lowly worker, but I still got asked bizarre questions.
My all time favorite.
A woman came up and asked if we had a book “ON” David Copperfield. Since she said “On” I figured she meant the magician. No she wanted the other one. OK, the book by Charles Dickens.
Her reply “Yes, but I need a biography on him”.
I nicely explained David Copperfield is a fictional character, and there wouldn’t be any biographies about him.
She thought about this for a minute and said (I kid you not) “Oh, I thought he was a real person, you know like “Tom Sawyer”.
I was proud of myself for not bursting in to laughter until she left….