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Mar
15
Book Review: Her Last Death by Susanna Sonnenberg
2009 at 1pm Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
I had never heard of Susanna Sonnenberg’s memoir Her Last Death until a coworker handed it to me last week, saying “You have to read this. I want to know what you think about it.”
“So, it’s really good?” I asked her.
“Well, I’m not sure,” she said. “I think I need to talk to someone about it in order to figure out what I think.”
That was far too intriguing an introduction for me to pass up, so I accepted her copy on loan and decided to take a break from my schedule of books for review to check it out. I’m pretty sure I’m glad I did.
In the opening pages of the book, Sonnenberg learns that her mother, who lives in Barbados, has been in a horrible car accident, and there is a good chance she is going to die. And she decides not to go see her. There is too much history, too much pain, too many faked illnesses and almost deaths. She just can’t go through it again. Her real life, with her husband and sons, has weight and meaning, but
My mother, entrenched in her fictions, wasn’t real life anymore.
This is our point of entry into Sonnenberg’s reflection on her life growing up with a mother who is addicted to painkillers, has a mean cocaine habit, engages in compulsive and reckless sexual behavior, and could almost certainly be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and/or a manic disorder, if she ever had the insight to see that her thoughts and behaviors were not normal and to seek to treatment. As a young girl, Susy knows the story of how her mother lost her virginity, hears (and sees) her mother having sex with an endless stream of strange men, and absorbs the message that sex is power and money is freedom.
Having absolutely zero concept of boundaries, Sonnenberg’s mother shares intimate details of her sex life with her young daughters and presses them to share their deepest thoughts and secrets with her. Susy feels such pressure to live up to her mother’s twisted expectations that she invents a story about losing her virginity—graphic details and all—so she will have something to talk to her about. Her mother teaches her about cocaine and gives her little bits to try, until her sixteenth birthday, when she gives her an entire gram.
As if all that weren’t bad enough, it seems that none of the adults in young Susanna’s life understand what is and isn’t appropriate to share with a child. When she is eight years old, Susanna’s father, who has been divorced from her mother since she was three, asks her if she masturbates. When a friend overhears him, she responds, “For Chrissakes, Nat….She’s eight!” and it looks like there might be some hope….until the friend takes young Susy into the bathroom and teaches her how.
This discovery, combined with her mother’s insistence that “orgasm is the best feeling in the world,” leads Susy to a very early, very strong interest in sex, and she becomes fascinated with Penthouse magazines and almost obsessed with her body and masturbation. Her mother knows about her habit and behavior and, rather than doing anything to stop it, tells her simply “Go on, my little pervert. We have no secrets.”
And these are just a few examples of the many ways in which Susy’s perceptions of the world, sexuality, and relationships are shaped by her mother’s overbearing personality, intrusive psychopathology, and complete lack of boundaries. As Susy enters her teenage years and leaves home for boarding school, she gradually begins to recognize that her childhood was not normal and that her mother, who once seemed glamorous and powerful, is not healthy. She writes in her diary:
It’s insane that I’m used to cocaine and lovers and sex. I don’t feel surprised when she opens her bedroom door, just disgusted.
But despite this recognition, Susy can’t seem to shake the idea that, as her mother told her over and over, “The world is about sex.” Her friends express concern, telling her she seems “boy crazy,” and she relentlessly pursues an affair with one of her boarding school teachers, who, though he is reluctant and resistant at first, eventually succumbs to the trickery Susy learned from her mother and enters into a relationship with her that only serves to reinforce her twisted concept of sex and relationships.
When this behavior extends into Susy’s life during college and early adulthood, it really becomes quite maddening. She knows what she is doing, and she sees that her mother is crazy and unstable—she grows accustomed to warning her boyfriends that her mother will hit on them and pry into the details of their sex lives—and she knows she wants to be different, but she has trouble escaping from the idea that “sex made me whole.” She is used to being used, to feeling empty, to lying and being lied to, and it seems that she is going to continue the cycle of compulsive sexual behavior her mother modeled so graphically.
Sonnenberg never mentions seeking any kind of therapy or psychological treatment, but it becomes clear throughout her story that she could have benefited from it immensely. And where were the child protection authorities in all of this? When her mother had seizures caused by injecting cocaine into her legs, repeatedly put her daughters in dangerous situations, and engaged in behavior that everyone around her recognized as unhealthy and damaging, no one actually does anything.
Similar to Jeannette Walls’s The Glass Castle in that it tells the story of a childhood so traumatic that one wonders at the fact that the author actually grew up to have a seemingly normal life, Her Last Death is a compelling, engaging read in that train wreck sort of way. You know that you shouldn’t be fascinated by such horrible events, but you can’t look away. Add to that the persistent questions about what we can and can’t believe because, as Sonnenberg reveals, one never really knows how much of what her mother says is truth, and by extension, how many of her experiences could have been changed or prevented, and you’ve got one hell of an interesting life.
Though Her Last Death is ultimately about the resilience of the human spirit, it is also about how powerfully the messages we receive as children shape our futures, and how difficult it is to rewrite those lessons and overcome what seems to be an inevitable trip down a dark and dangerous path. Sonnenberg’s writing is quick and sharp. She pulls you into her experiences and her perspective from the very first page, and she is not afraid to confront those topics that are disturbing, difficult, and supposedly forbidden.
It’s hard to say you enjoyed a book like this because, really, you spend a great portion of it feeling sorry for Susy and angry at her mother, but it is a very good read for a specific kind of reader. If you liked The Glass Castle and are comfortable reading about sexuality and sexual behavior, I would suggest adding Her Last Death to your list. You will be shocked, horrified, and appalled, but ultimately, I think you’ll be glad you read it. 4 out of 5.
Visit the author’s website for reading guides, reader reactions, and more information about her life.
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[...] Book Review: Her Last Death by Susanna Sonnenberg [...]
This book clearly affected you as you had so much to say about it. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to make the decision not to see a parent or loved one who is about to die, so how she gets to that point must be extremely painful.
Have you read House Rules yet? I have a copy of that memoir, which is also about a painful childhood. I am usually glad that I’ve read memoirs like that, but they are hard to read.
an excellent review.
…but am I wrong for not wanting to read one more book about someone’s dysfunctional childhood.
for me personally, I think not.
[...] Book Review: Her Last Death by Susanna Sonnenberg [...]
Sounds absolutely heartbreaking. I think I have seen this one around, but didn’t really know what it was about.
This book, quite frankly, sounds bizarre. Though I suppose you warned us. I haven’t read “The Glass Castle” either, but I think I’m going to ease my way into the horrible childhood memoir genre and start off someplace… less crazy.
This book didn’t work for me at all. I thought the author never took responsibility for her own actions. Yes, she had a terrible childhood, but she still made her own choices.
That to me was this difference between The Glass Castle, which I loved, and this one.
[...] Book Review: Her Last Death by Susanna Sonnenberg [...]
I feel the same way as Melissa – I enjoyed Glass Castle but this one turned me off.
It seemed as though she was looking for a reason to excuse herself from any guilt she may feel. Another thing that bothered me was I kept wondering how honest the book was, it seemed like every bad thing that could happen did, and that made me feel as though the actual story was embellished quite a bit.
[...] the Looking Glass)78. Bookeywookey (Anansi Boys)79. Bookeywookey (The Talented Mr. Ripley)80. The Book Lady’s Blog (Her Last Death)81. The Book Lady’s Blog (Captain Freedom & Giveaway)82. The Book Lady’s Blog [...]
[...] The Book Lady’s Blog [...]
I’ve been listening to this book on CD, read by the author. She does a superb job, much better than most authors. I think it’s also abridged, which could help. Just want to mention a tiny detail–she does make a passing reference to psychotherapy when she talks about life in Missoula without familiy money, “My grandmother paid for my therapy.”