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21
Dear Theo and Phyllis (Adventures in Bookselling, v.12)
2009 at 11am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
The holidays are well behind us, and the general level of craziness has decreased significantly, but life at the bookstore being what it is, we continue to have fun, bizarre, and highly entertaining experiences to share with each other and with you, dear readers. A friend in real life who reads these entries but also hears about my day-to-day experiences pretty frequently commented recently that we must have the craziest bookstore in the country to have so many stories. I’d love to take credit for that, but I have to say I’m pretty sure that the things that happen in my store also happen in every bookstore in the world, and other versions of them happen in just about every other retail environment. When you work with the general public, you’re just bound to encounter a certain amount of kookiness. If you’re reading this and thinking about your own crazy adventures in retail, I’d love to hear about them, so holla at your girl Book Lady and leave a comment below.
Dear Theo and Phyllis…
A middle-aged couple recently approached one of our seasoned booksellers and told her they didn’t know the whole title, but it was “something about Theo and Phyllis. Like a letter to them.” The bookseller, dutiful as always, typed in “Theo and Phyllis” and came up with nothing. So she asked them what the book was about. “Something about religion or philosophy or something.”
“Do you mean Theophilus?” she asked.
“Oh, no, no. It’s Theo and Phyllis. You’re saying it wrong.”
Just out of curiosity, the bookseller searched for Theophilus and found this:
Having found what they were looking for, the customers crowed, “Oh yes, that’s it! Dear Theo & Phyllis.” “No,” the bookseller told them, pointing to the screen, “it’s Theophilus. It’s the name of one person.” Despite the evidence in front of their faces, they continued to insist that the title referred to Theo and Phyllis.
You know, Luke (the same Luke who wrote the eponymous gospel) refers to them all the time in the Bible. :) Silly us for forgetting.
Now, when customers ask for nonexistent titles, my coworkers and I amuse ourselves by writing imaginary letters to Theo and Phyllis to tell them about our adventures. Just another day at the salt mines.
Is this some kind of joke?
A few hours before closing one night a few weeks ago, another veteran bookseller—let’s call her Sally—noticed that a cell phone that had been turned in to our lost & found earlier in the afternoon was still sitting at the info desk unclaimed. People leave their phones here all the time, but they usually realize it pretty quickly and either call to confirm that it’s here or come back in looking for it within a few hours. Sally wondered why this phone had been sitting here for so long and decided to try to find the owner.
She opened the phone and scrolled through the contact list looking for a listing for “home.” When she found it, she pressed “talk,” noticing that the number had an out-of-state area code. We have a lot of college students in the area, so she figured the phone belonged to a student whose parents lived in another state. The phone rings and a woman answers.
Woman: Hello.
Sally: Hi, my name is Sally and I’m calling from (insert name of bookstore here) in Richmond, Virginia. Someone left this phone in the store, and we’re trying to find the owner.
Woman: Who is this?
Sally: This is Sally. I’m calling from (insert name of bookstore here). Someone left this phone in our store.
Woman: Is this some kind of joke?
Sally: (very confused) Uh, no. Someone lost this phone in our store, and I’m trying to find the owner.
Woman: Oh, where did you say you are again?
(Sally runs through the whole scenario one more time.)
Woman: Oh, that’s my son’s phone. He probably hasn’t even realized it’s missing yet. When I saw his number on the caller ID, and then you said your name was Sally, I thought he was playing some kind of joke on me because our family dog’s name is Sally, and I thought he’d gotten one of his female friends to call and be like, “Hi, this is Sally. I need some dog biscuits.”
Classic.
I mean, my dog buys Christmas presents for my husband and me, and she even sent me an email once when my parents were babysitting her while I was out of town, but she’s never called me on the phone. That’s just a bit too advanced.
I swear, folks, you can’t make this stuff up.
New president, same old loonies…
Things were pretty quiet around here yesterday morning because everyone with a choice was at home glued to the inauguration coverage. But let me tell you, once the new president was official, the store was packed, and things got interesting. Around 3:30 yesterday afternoon, one of our most patient booksellers got the following call:
Caller: Yes, I’m looking for a book about the presidents, and I was wondering if you could tell me about the books you have about the presidents.
Bookseller: Are you looking for a book for children or adults?
Caller: Oh, I want to know about all the books you have about the presidents.
Bookseller: Well, ma’am, there are an awful lot of books about presidents—some are about one president, and some are about all of them—and I really need you to narrow it down a bit.
Caller: Well I don’t know. What books do you have?
Bookseller: Ma’am, there are literally hundreds and hundreds of books about presidents in our store. You’ll need to come in to take a look at them so we can see what you’re looking for.
Caller: Well, can you tell me what you have?
Bookseller: That’s not something I can do over the phone. There are too many books about presidents to do that, unless you can tell me something more specific.
Caller: How much do your books cost? Are they expensive?
Bookseller: We have a really wide range of books that vary from rather inexpensive to quite expensive. It really depends on what you’re looking for. It really would be best if you came into the store so you could browse the selection and see for yourself.
Caller: Is your store near a bus line?
Bookseller: No, another store in the area is. I’ll be happy to give you their number (and then we could pawn you off on them….)
Caller: Oh, no, I don’t want to go there. I live in (insert name of place the bookseller has never heard of and thinks might be in a different state). Is there someone who could come pick me up?
Bookseller: No, ma’am. We don’t do that.
This is one of those calls that you can’t believe is real, but the bookseller confirmed that the lady (who sounded old but not ancient) was quite serious. He finally recommended that she find a local library where she could look at books about presidents or use the internet to do a search, and then she hung up on him.
This is just further evidence that we should put my brilliant idea for a book delivery program into practice. You can have pizza and Chinese food and even videos delivered to your house now. Wouldn’t it be great if you could call the bookstore, pay with a credit card, and have someone drop it off at your house in one hour or less? Granted, we have no idea where this woman lives, and there’s no way anyone could pick her up and bring her to the store or pile a bunch of presidential books into the car to deliver to her, but it’s still a good idea.
Related posts:
- Some people! (Adventures in Bookselling, v.10.5)
- Have you hugged your feral cat today? (Or, Adventures in Bookselling)
- And do you have any beaver handpuppets? (Adventures in Bookselling, v.5)
- The Glass Menage a Trois (Adventures in Bookselling, v.2): Guest Post
- What was that about the customer always being right? (Adventures in Bookselling v. 13)
After reading one of these AIB posts, all I can do is shake my head. It’s unreal to me how dense these people are.
The delivery idea is neat but spending time on the phone with these people is quite enough I think . Also, looking for a book is half the fun.
I swear. These posts have made me paranoid whenever I DO have to ask a bookseller a question. I have this whole checklist for myself:
1) Do I look weird in any way. No. Check!
2) Do I have the full name or at least a legitimate portion of the name before approaching said bookseller? Yes. Check!
3) If unavailable, do I want to order the book? I have to know this before approaching said bookseller because I do not want to be caught off guard. Check!
See??? I’ve become completely anal over approaching a bookseller to ask a simple question. LOL.
You know, Ti, when I started this series, it never occurred to me that good bookish readers would become so self-conscious about their bookstore behavior or try to reform themselves. It’s both funny and amusing to me, and I think there’s a lot of irony in it because the people who are aware that they need to have some information in order for us to find a book aren’t the ones who really need reforming
OMG, you could change the word “bookstore” to “library” and you have my average workday!
book delivery…that would be fantastic. These people are hilarious.
I love these stories! And I love the book delivery idea
Hilarious, as usual. The last one with the little old lady is just priceless!
I’m right there with Ti. I was in a local Borders over the break to exchange a Christmas present and ended up having to ask a few questions and even requested to speak to the manager (well, my husband did), because the regular clerks were being obstinate. I was so self conscious though!
And I’m sorry if you work for that store, but I have to say I am a little miffed that they won’t take exchanges without a receipt. I had gotten the book as a Christmas present, and it’s something I would never want to read. It still had the price tag intact and undamaged on the back (way to go gift giver!), so I figured it should be a snap. They would know it came from their company originally, and I could exchange it for a book that I was dying to read. Nope. No exchanges without a receipt. That’s hogwash!
(I did end up getting to exchange it at a 40% discount off the price tag, which is better than nothing, but by my calculations, they made $7 off me for nothing.)
I love these stories. It kind of makes me want to work in a bookstore just so I would have my own crazy stories to tell!
She wanted curbside pick-up bookselling service?! That’s on par with a guy that once called my bookstore and asked me if we “delivered.” Like Domino’s Pizza or something. Sure, buddy, let me just hop in my car and bring you this graphic novel! Seriously?
And the books on presidents… yeah, someone once called the store and wanted to know if we have “art books.” Yes, of course we do. My coworker told him we have hundreds of books on art and he would have to come inside the store to see them, and he said he really just wanted to know how many we have because he was doing a paper on the decline of art in schools (?). He was rude — and adament! Bizarre!
I just love your Adventures in Bookselling – they make my day so much brighter! You should write a book of all of these things!
I wish all bookstore employees would get together and write a blog with all their glorious stories. They really are amusing!
Sometimes I agree with Lenore–I’d love to see more people writing their bookselling stories. Then I remember that some people cannot write and will take the funniest stories & turn them into tedious drivel. Thanks for telling your stories so well!
Thanks for that, Jena! If I ever solicit stories from other booksellers, I’ll be sure to edit out all the drivel. I don’t like it, either.
We had a bookstore in my city in India where they actually did free home delivery. All that you had to do was call in and give a list of books. They’d bring it by to your place and then you can pick the titles you like and pay for those. (you had to buy at least one book, of course and I think they had a minimum price you had to purchase for).. but that was an awesome idea and I got quite a few books from there!
The last one is just classic. This person reminds me of Miss Swan from MadTv.
LOL – okay, I have a 30 hour layover in Richmond on Saturday, so if I meander into your bookstore, you have to promise not to write about me!
I like the phoning dog story. My brother had a friend in high school whose *parents* did that to him all the time. So that doesn’t surprise me.
That was too funny!! Now I do think the book delivery would be a great idea…as long as I wasn’t the one who had to deliver
Theo and Phyllis—-hilarious!!!
Book Delivery is a great idea…you’re onto something there!
Oh man, and I thought my job at the veterinary clinic was weird. I’ve had someone call and want to know where they could go to pet a monkey. Your stories are just as crazy. Have fun with it!
This is so funny I’m emailing part of your post to share with my husband at work. I hope he laughs out loud and disturbs all his co-workers!
It’s not exactly retail, but I do have to say that I have had some pretty crazy (and rude!) customers while waiting tables… Meanest Customer story ever? Sure!
One Friday Night I am working and am particularly busy… a table of 8 comes in and sits down. Now, before I continue you should know that the restaurant I worked at offered a free (alcoholic) drink to any customer who was over 21 on their birthday…. So, I greet the table and the lady at the end of the table says “It’s my birthday!” I respond by happily telling her happy birthday and that I would love to get her a free drink. I ask her what she would like and for her ID so I can show it to the manager and he can comp the drink off the bill. She tells me she wants a margarita and hands me her ID. This is where it gets sticky…
Me: “I’m sorry ma’am it says here that your birthday isn’t until monday and unfortunately we can only buy you a drink if it is your birthday today. If you come back on Monday, I would be more than happy to buy you a drink then. I’m sorry but the manager won’t take the drink off the bill. Do you still want it?”
B-Day Lady: “Monday? I have to come back for a drink on Monday?”
Me: “Yes Ma’am.”
B-Day Lady: “Who drinks on a Monday?”
Me (jokingly): “I drink on Monday’s!” Then I smile.
B-Day Lady: “That’s why you are a waiter.”
Me: “Someone else is going to have to deal with you.”
I walked off so angry! I offer this lady a free drink in a few days and she has the gaul to judge me for my profession! Funny thing is, I made really good money working there… more than most people who work clerical office jobs. Hurumph.
If there is one thing everyone should know, its don’t mess with people who handle your food. I have never spit in anyones food, but I came close with that lady. Sheesh!
I’ve been working in retail since I was fifteen (I’m 23 now) so I know how you feel! I’m a college graduate, but due to the recession I’m being forced to ring groceries.
The people in the area where I work are nuts. Our store is known throughout the chain as the “crazy store.” My biggest pet peeve is those customers who decide they don’t want something and instead of giving it to the cashier and saying “I don’t want this,” they just leave it laying around. (Especially if it’s a cold item!)
Crazy Adventures in Retail…I’ve got a million of ‘em, and I honestly think we should all band together and publish a book full of our stories. (Wasn’t there a recent one about waiter’s rants?)
Anyway…I manage an upscale art gallery which features the work of the owner, who is considered by many to be the foremost GOLF landscape artist in the world. We have two signs on our porch which state: The ____ Gallery – Fine Golf Art. We have lovely gold lettering at eye level on each glass door with the same wording. Everything in the gallery is either golf landscape, or golf-themed gift and home decor items. Yet I have customers who walk in, take a quick look around and ask, “So is it ALL golf?!?” I had one man who became argumentative when he discovered we didn’t have anything related to tennis. “But why not? Do you realize how many tennis players there are out there? You’d make a lot of money if you carried tennis stuff.” So, in the nicest possible manner, I suggested that, since he’d just discovered a niche, he should fill it by opening that tennis-themed shop! Ah, retail — ya gotta love it…at least it’s never boring!
When you compile all these funny stories into a book you should title it “Dear Theo and Phyllis, The funniest thing happened at work today…”
I love that the customers *still* called it Theo & Phyllis even when shown the true title of the book. Sounds like something my Grandmother would do!