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Dec
04
It's Christmas, and we're all in misery (Adventures in Bookselling, v.9)
2008 at 10am Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
The holidays here, and that means that normal people are getting a little nutty, weirdos are even weirder, and people who don’t set foot in a bookstore during the other eleven months of the year are coming out of the woodwork and don’t know what to do with themselves. Welcome to the first holiday edition (I’m sure this season will bring at least a few more) of Adventures in Bookselling.
Bookselling Mysteries
# 1
Customer: I’m looking for a mystery book for my daughter. It has three words in the title, and the last one is pray. Do you know what it is?
Me: Do you mean “pray” as in prayer or “prey” as in predator-and-prey? (I’m hoping she means prey because then it’s most likely something in the John Sandford series).
Customer: Pray as in prayer.
Me: (damn…) Well, can you tell me anything else about the book? I can’t search for “third word is…” (Come on lady, it’s not charades).
Customer: Like I said, it’s a mystery, and the third word is pray.
Me: Do you know anything about the story or what it’s about? I might be able to do a keyword search then.
Customer: No, but it’s a mystery and the third word is pray.
Me: Okay, ma’am, if I put “pray” into our search, it’s going to pull up books about prayer and books where the first word in the title is pray. We do not have a way to search for the third word in a title, and if you don’t know anything else about it, then I’m afraid I can’t help you. I really do need more information, but why don’t I walk you over to the mystery section so you can look for yourself.
(Customer doesn’t look happy but has finally accepted the fact that she doesn’t have enough info for me to go on. I walk her to the mysteries.)
Five minutes later, she appears with this, to show me she found it:
The kicker on this one is that this author isn’t even shelved in mystery—he’s under general fiction, so I have no idea how the customer found it, but I’m glad she did.
#2
(Last night, during a very busy event)
Customer: I saw this book on The Today Show. Can you help me find it?
Me: What book is it?
Customer: Well, it’s like a coffee table book with pictures of nature and things all over the world. It has, like, gorillas in hot tubs, and things like that.
Me: How long ago did you see it on TV? (hoping it was in the last week or two so I can use our built-in link to The Today Show)
Customer: Oh, it was about six months ago.
Me: Okay, I can’t search that far back on The Today Show’s listing. It sounds like there are several places it could be: nature, photography, maybe even humor, if it has gorillas in hot tubs.
Customer: Well, where are the coffee table books?
Me: There’s not a section just for coffee table books…all of the books are shelved according to subject. So it could be in nature, or photography, or humor.
Customer: Well, I guess I’ll just look around. I’m sure the title will come to me.
(ten minutes later)
Customer: I found it!
Me: Are there really gorillas in hot tubs in Planet Earth? That one crossed my mind, but when you said gorillas in hot tubs, I didn’t think it would be the right one—I watched the whole series on the Discovery Channel, and I didn’t see anything like that.
Customer: Oh, I mean it’s gorillas sitting in a hot spring. And Oprah said it was one of her favorite books to give as a gift. So I guess I saw it on Oprah, not The Today Show.
Ask the Book Lady
Interesting questions I’ve been asked in the last 3 days:
I answered the phone a few days ago to have an old lady ask me if we were still open (um, I answered the phone, didn’t I?). I told her yes, we were open, and we would be open until 11pm. She then asked, “Well, are you going out of business tomorrow?” I informed her that no, we’re not going out of business at all. She then informed me that she was coming to do her Christmas shopping the next day and wanted to make sure we weren’t going out of business before she gets here. Makes you wonder if she also called Target and the mall…
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Do I think a gun manual is a good gift for a 15-year-old grandson? No.
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Is this autobiography of a WWF professional wrestler a good gift for your 10-year-old nephew? No. Have you ever watched WWF wrestling? Do you have any idea what that book is going to contain? How about a nice copy of 39 Clues?
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(on the phone) Do we sell Amazon gift cards? No. This is (insert name of big box bookstore here). We do not sell Amazon gift cards. They are a competitor. The woman informed me that she had called every other bookstore in town, and none of them sold Amazon gift cards, and she just didn’t understand why. I told her that places like Target and Wal-Mart might have them, or she could purchase one from the Amazon website….but she just didn’t get it.
The Birds, the bees, and the Book Lady
A customer approached me last night and asked for a “family life” book for a five-year-old. After I asked her to define what she meant by ”family life,” she said, “you know, where babies come from.” So, I walked her to that section and handed her a variety of books, explaining that there’s a good selection and she can choose based on how much detail she wants to go into. She made it pretty clear that she didn’t really want to be purchasing this book but that her daughter was asking a lot of questions.
“What she really wants to know,” she said, “is how the baby gets out.”
Thinking that you don’t really need a whole book for this, especially if you don’t want to give much information, I say, “Well, have you tried saying ‘it comes out of Mommy’s vagina?” When my niece was that age, she asked her mom, who was pregnant at the time, the exact same question, and when she was given that answer, it was all she needed. It’s a valid question, and you want to give it a valid answer.” (and just be glad she isn’t asking how the baby gets in there to begin with)
She looked horrified (did the Book Lady really just say vagina?!) and continued flipping through the books. I explained that all of the books are medically accurate and are going to explain, using medically accurate terminology, that that is exactly how the baby gets out. If she prefers something like “the baby teleports out of mommy’s tummy” or “when the time is right, God makes the baby appear,” she’s going to have to make it up herself, and it will lead to more confusion.
“I know…I mean, I want to explain it to her before she hears something wrong from some other kid….I just don’t want to explain it to her yet.”
I left her to look through the books, but I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell her, I get it, lady. Really, I do. You’re uncomfortable talking about this, but your daughter is only five, and the questions are only going to get more difficult. When she asks a valid question, it deserves a valid, correct answer. So suck it up, learn your vocabulary, and talk to your kid.
Oh, just because
Last night, during our crazy busy event, a man called and asked a bookseller to locate a guide to antique firearms. The bookseller spent twenty minutes getting the correct information and going on a wild goose chase through the store to locate the book. When he found it, he asked the customer if he’d like us to hold it for him.
“No, I already have a copy of it. I just wanted to know if you guys had it.”
(UGH!!!!!!)
“Okay, sir, then what was the purpose of your call?” (this bookseller is a lot nicer than I would have been)
“Oh, just curious.”
JACKASS! During those twenty minutes, we could have helped several other customers who are actually going to spend money here. This is not a library or an information service, it is a business.
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As obnoxious as all of these things are, there are some great highlights to holiday customers, like all of the cute kids that come with them. Last night, a little boy ran up to our children’s lead out of the blue and gave her a hug. His mom looked embarassed and apologized repeatedly. Then she said, “Sorry, it’s just that he thought you were an elf!” (The chilren’s lead is a relatively short woman in her mid-20s, and she was wearing a sparkly Santa hat.)
You can’t beat that.
Now it’s time to put on my light-up reindeer antlers and hit the floor for another crazy day. Stay tuned for more holiday adventures soon. Click here for other Adventures in Bookselling.
No related posts.
I feel for the ‘family life’ lady. I usually use the, “Hey what’s that over there?!” line and hope she forgets what she just asked. I know that won’t work for long though. Yeah, I know I’m a chicken.
OMG…laughing so hard at gorillas in the hot tub…these are so hysterical…makes me want your job
I’m very interested in reading Swimming with Strangers. What is required when accepting an ARC?
I guess people think you’re psychic.
“Did the Book Lady just say ‘vagina’?”
Love it! (Me, I’m always glad when my boys ask those questions–then I don’t have to be the one to bring it up!)
You’ve made me laugh and smile. Thanks.
These people should be shot but then if that happened, we wouldn’t get to read these posts. There is just no excuse for them!
I love your adventures in bookselling! I used to get hugs from children ALL the time at Christmas (I always wore some ridiculous hat – and I was the bookseller in charge of the kid’s section)
I laughed out loud at ‘Come on lady, it’s not charades’!)
Hahah! These always brighten my day!
These were all so funny! Thanks for sharing!
well you know I once asked the bookstore guy to tell me if they had a book with the word ‘World’ in it. Well, all i can say is that I am a software engineer and when we give search facilities, we give them so that user can use even partial words to search. For e.g If i type %world%, it will give me all the titles with ‘World’ in the title. I expected the store to have a similar kind of system (well, it did look kind of flashy). He gave me the funniest look and said we cannot search like that. Well…
People ask us ALL the time if we sell gift cards to your store . . . and, alternately, present me gift cards four our competitor, then become outraged when we won’t honor them!
“Aren’t you owned by the same company?!”
How dumb are these people? No, of course we’re not owned by the same company! Wouldn’t we just pool our resources to try and survive the recession if we were?
And you’re so right — people who really have no business whatsoever in a bookstore flood in by the million, acting stupid and belligerent and asking ridiculous questions. Being a really not-so-nice bookseller at times, I give them the attitude right back.
Thank goodness I’m only a sporadic book lady myself this year — I’d probably get punched in the mouth!
These people amaze me….amazon gift cards…gorillas in hot tubs.
Hilarious!
Hilarious! and as a retail vet of 20+ years, I appreciate what you do (and do not miss it one bit! well, maybe a tiny bit)
Great blog!
[...] and/or starting conversations that people may not be altogether comfortable with. (Remember this adventure, when I said the word “vagina” and nearly made a woman pass [...]