Have you hugged your feral cat today? (Or, Adventures in Bookselling)

2008 at 10am     Posted by Rebecca Schinsky

As I flipped through old posts last night, I realized that I talk about my job a lot, and many of you seem interested in what I do and envious that I get to spend my days talking about books with other people who love talking about books and helping my clients and customers find what they’re looking for.  And you’re right to be envious–it’s a great job, and it’s given me an opportunity to meet and connect with readers, educators, authors, and fellow bibliophiles I wouldn’t have otherwise met.  So, even though I occasionally have to stay up way past my bedtime to sell horrid teen vampire romance books to throngs of squeeling adolescents, it’s balanced out by the wonderful people I meet….and by the unintentionally entertaining customers who often have no idea what they’re looking for.

When I was a therapist in my pre-bookselling life, I was often asked (usually by people at parties, on airplanes, etc.) to talk about the weirdest or most unusual things I had heard from a client. Since I was an ethical therapist, I, of course, didn’t talk about these things.  Now that I sell books, I wish people would continue to ask me this question because some pretty funny things go down when you work with the general public.  Especially during the “Back to School” craze. Here are a few of my favorites:

Scenario #1

Customer (a college-aged student): “Um, I need a book called Emily. My English teacher said we have to have it.”

Bookseller (unfortunately, I wasn’t lucky enough to get this one): “Emily? Do you mean Emma? By Jane Austen?”

Customer: “No, it’s called Emily.  See, I wrote it down (points to paper)–Emily.”

Bookseller: “Do you have the class syllabus or anything with the author’s name or the ISBN on it?  I don’t know of a book called Emily” (searches store database and finds nothing called Emily that looks appropriate for a college English class).  “There’s really not a book called Emily.  Let me show you Emma.” (They walk to the shelves)

Customer: “No, that’s not it. The book my teacher had was silver.”**

Bookseller: “Okaaaaay.  It was silver.  But I still don’t see a book called Emily, even with a silver cover.  Can you tell me anything else about it?”

Customer: (long pause) “Well, it’s not a book you read.”

Bookseller: “Not a book you read? Is it a picture book?”

Customer: “No, it’s for a college English class.  I think it’s about writing or something” (why she didn’t mention this before, I don’t know)

Bookseller: “Oh, you mean the MLA guide.  MLA, not Emily. Next time, it might help if you brought the syllabus.”

** You would be amazed by the number of people who think we can find a book if we just know what color the cover is.  Now, if the cover design is distinctive, memorable, or unique, or if you describe it very well, that might help, but “It was blue with green writing, and I saw it on a table at the front of the store a couple months ago” is not helpful.  Neither is “I don’t remember the author’s name or what the the book is about, but the title had (insert very generic/common word here) in it.”

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Scenario #2 (just last week)

(Phone rings)

Me: “Good morning. This is Rebecca.”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to set up a tour of the store for my school-aged children.”

Me: (confused because we only coordinate tours for school groups, not individuals or families) “Are you a homeschooler?”

Caller: “No, I just want to set up a tour for my school-aged children”

Me: “Do you mean you want a tour for your family?” (because there’s no way in hell that’s happening)

Caller: “No, I have a group of school-aged children, and I’d like to bring them for a tour.”

Me: “Okay, are you calling from a school?”

Caller: “Yes” (finally, we’re getting somewhere).  I’m calling from (insert name of local school I haven’t heard of–and I’ve heard of most of them).”

Me: “Okay, how many students are in your group?”

Caller: “We have about 25.”

Me: “How old are they?” (this makes a big difference in determining what kind of activities I plan)

Caller: “Well, they’re school-aged.”

Internal Monologue (did she really just say that? And what the hell does that mean? Are they 5? Are they 18? Are they 5 through 18?)

Me: “More specifically, what age or grade level are they? I’d like to plan an event that is specific and age-appropriate.”

Caller: “Oh, they’re preschool through second grade.”

So we continued our conversation, and everything worked out just fine, but really, “school-aged children?” And why didn’t she call and just say from the get-go, “Hi, this is Susie Q. from Generic Preschool, and I’d like to bring a group of students for a tour”?  Seriously.  People are strange.

This is what I found when I did a Google Image search for “school-age children”

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Scenario #3 (which happened one morning last week, before I’d even had my signature Grande Peppermint Mocha, stirred, light whip cream)

(Phone rings)

Me: “Good morning, this is Rebecca.”

Caller: “Hi, my name is Blah Blahblah, and I’m a publicist for Gobbledygook Books” (clearly, I’m changing names to protect the innocent…or ignorant…or, nevermind).  “I work with an author from your area who has written a book about cats, and she’s interested in doing a signing in your store.”

So far, this seems pretty normal.  I get calls and drop-in visits like this all the time.

Me: “Okay, can you tell me more about the book?  Is it a children’s book or a book about pets?  How would you describe it?”

She proceeds to describe the book, which is apparently written for adults, but classified as Christian/Inspiration, and is written entirely from the perspective of the cats. Okay.  For adults.  Really?

Me: “Well, I generally do one or two signings per month, and I’m all booked up in September and December.  What timeline were you thinking about?”

Caller: “She can really come anytime, but she would really like to do it on October 16th to coincide with National Feral Cat Day.  We were you thinking you could tie that into your marketing and get the audience really excited about it.”

Internal Monologue (National Feral Cat Day?  WTF? How am I supposed to market that? “Have you hugged your feral cat today?”  “Come celebrate feral cats–bring yours and join the party!” “Buy a book, get a free rabies vaccine!”)

I rein in my snarkiness, request a review copy of the book and a publicity package (a word to the wise: never schedule a book signing without having actually seen and read the book.  Bad things happen.), and tell her I’ll get back to her.  Then I immediately hit Google to look for publicity ideas.  I think I’ll start with these:

So there you have it….the life of a bookseller/community relations guru/event planner/feral cat activist.

What’s your weirdest work story?  Tell me.  I really want to know.

But first, I want you to enter to win an ARC of The Gone-Away World.  My contest closes today at 11:59 EDT.

Done?  Now, tell me your weirdest work story.  I know you have one.