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Aug
09
Book Review: Assisted Loving by Bob Morris
2008 at 7pm Posted by Rebecca Joines Schinsky
When 45-year-old Bob Morris’s mother died, his father Joe was devastated by the loss of his wife of 50 years, so no one expected him to start dating only three months after her death, least of all Bob. His father’s revelation leaves him reeling, so he has the following conversation with his brother:
“Three and a half months after Mom died, and Dad appears to be dating. Is this appropriate?”
“I don’t know,” Jeff says, “But since when has Dad been appropriate?”
Assisted Loving: True Tales of Double Dating with my Dad is Morris’s chronicle of his father’s dating adventures in the first year and a half following his mother’s death. Though it takes Bob a while to warm up to the idea of his father dating (and to the idea that there is another person out there who will be willing to deal with all of Joe’s bad habits), he is able to take it to heart when his father tells him:
I don’t know…It just worked so beautifully with your mother for fifty years that I’d love to do it again.
As Joe travels between his summer home on Long Island, where Bob grew up, and his winter home in Palm Beach, Florida, he leaves many women in his wake. Bob signs on as his dating coach, even though, at 45, he is single and has never had a successful long-term relationship, and they embark on a journey that is sad, touching, funny, and uplifting. As he sees his father through a long series of bad dates and budding relationships, Bob begins to grow close to him and understand him in a way he never has before. The developing openness between them allows father and son to explore their feelings of guilt about how they handled Ethel’s 10-year illness and their sorrow about losing her, and it has the added benefit of helping Bob realize and accept how shallow he has been and to attempt to delve beyond the surface and develop empathy he has long been lacking.
Despite his initial reluctance and the horror of hearing his father describe his “chemistry” with a recent date and his declaration that
With all the pills they have today and the positive effects of the hernia surgery I had last year, I can go all night if I want to,
Bob quickly finds himself “pimping” his father to every eligible older lady he encounters, screening his potential dates, and anxiously waiting for his father to dish the dirt and do the “postmortem” after each outing. He begins living–and dating–vicariously until Joe tells him that it is time for him to face his fears, start dating again, and be prepared for the vulnerability and openness that true intimacy requires. When Bob meets Ira, a wonderful man who is “compelling on a level that isn’t superficial,” he is instantly attracted but afraid to embark on something that could become a real relationship. His father counsels him that
It’s a decision to see how wonderful someone is, flaws and all. That’s what it takes to find a match.
And the lesson finally sinks in. After being the third wheel on two of his father’s awkward dates, Bob works up the nerve to call Ira after several weeks without contact, and they pick up right where they left off. They are still together today, and Joe has found a new lease on life and love with a lady friend of his own.
I picked up Assisted Loving in hopes of finding a lighter, funny summer read. While the tone of the book was significantly more melancholy than I expected, it also had significantly more depth and insight. I enjoyed watching Bob’s relationship with his father grow and deepen, and I loved the irony in the fact that Bob spent a year and a half trying to coach his father, when it turned out that he was the one who really needed to learn about love, compromise, and commitment. This was a thoroughly enjoyable read with an interesting concept, and though Morris was a bit self-indulgent at times, it really was a great story. 4 out of 5.